Airport Security: Turn That Frown Upside Down
The wonderful people at the TSA (Transportation Security Administration) is working on training its already highly skilled personnel the art of reading passangers' "micro-expressions."
Okay, what the hell?
Body language is a very powerful form of language, as we all know. Learning to read it is an excellent way to learn about the motives of others. However, micro-expressions include very subtle facial expressions that surface when a person is trying to conceal fear and disgust - the two main emotions these Behavior Detection Officers are looking to identify.
So let's get this straight: if a Behavior Detection Officer spots you trying to conceal fear and disgust by little tiny facial expressions you're making, you are in trouble.
If you are singled out by the "Face Police," one of them will probably approach you and ask you stuff like, "How are you doing?" or "Where are you heading?" When you reply, they will be employing their Ninja-like powers in determining if you are a terrorist.
Here's my assessment of this new science: What a crock of bullshit.
Since when was hanging around at the airport fun? Most of the time I'm dealing with cancelled flights and delays; I'm always fearful and digusted. Everytime I go into the men's restroom at any airport I am full of fear and disgust. I once spent nine hours stuck at Cincinnati's aiport...my face was probably chock-full of fear and disgust. I'm pretty damn sure I was Mr. Fear and Mr. Disgust all rolled into one pissed off passenger up until we boarded our flight home at 12:47 AM.
O'Hare Airport is probably one of the most depressing places in the world! Practically every single flight out of there is late. In fact, O'Hare leads the country in delays. TSA is going to have to do body cavity searches of pretty much every single person waiting for their stupid flights.
This is America, damnit. I have a right to frown. I have a right to be cranky. I have a right to be in a foul mood at the airport. But with plans of having at least 500 of these Behavior Detection Officers in place by the end of 2008, just remember to turn that frown upside down...or else.
And if you're constipated, just rent a car.