The Phoenix

Monday, February 12, 2007

Modern Science Needs...You!

*Are you in a dead end job?
*Wish you could do something fulfilling?
*Do you want to make a lot of money with very little effort?

I'm Fred Smiley, President of VoluTek, Inc.

We search and recruit some of the country's best talent to help make the world a better place. At VoluTek, we only seek out the "cream of the crop" for various scientific research. Our recruits work with some of the largest and most powerful companies in the world to help find cures to deadly diseases, find new ways to treat illnesses, and find out if pesticides really do make you infertile.

Most people are horrified at the thought of being so called "human guinea pigs." What they don't understand is that when it comes to making advances in science and medicine, somebody has to be first.

Why can't it be you?

The greatest discoveries blossomed out of people having the guts to step forward and say, "I'll be first." Who can forget scientific heroes like...

Colonel John Stapp. The man "strapped" himself to a sled with a rocket on it in order to learn more about g-forces and the human body. Col. Stapp wanted to devise safer gear for pilots, so he tested his theories on himself. Sure, he broke various limbs and had blood vessels in his eyes explode from time to to time while hurling himself at nearly 600 mph on a rocket, but this man's work saved lives.

Daniel Alcides Carrion. This Peruvian medical student couldn't just idly stand by why people were dying of some strange new disease called "Yellow Fever." He had his fellow students inject him with the virus, and from contracting the disease and studying it, he discovered that "Yellow Fever" and another illness, verruga peruana, were actually two different manifestations of the same virus. Daniel Carrion died from yellow fever less than four weeks later, but the guy is a hero!

Bob Helms. Author of Guinea Pig Zero: An Anthology of the Journal for Human Research Subjects makes a living as a human test subject. This former laborer's pay ranges from $250 - $400 PER DAY! This man has had blood drawn, urine and poop samples taken, x-rays...all in the name of science... and moola! Mr. Helms says of his job: "Sometimes the work amounts to showing up on time, not being afraid of needles, and not eating anything that will disrupt the study." Most of the time, he says that he is ''essentially getting paid to be a couch potato.''

A brave couch potato that serves all of mankind!

So why don't you make the call, toll free at 800-MAD-TEST today? Stand up and "be first" for once in your life. And make a lot of money!

Hurry and make that call right now. We've got a "effects of drinking pescticides" test coming up, and we're taking volunteers. First come first serve!

Down the hatch! And watch your career soar.

Testimonial: Thanks to VoluTech, I now make an easy $250 a day. I don't mind the blood tests and tubes down my throat. The doctors here tell me the rash should clear up in a few weeks, and my sight will return very soon. Before Volutech, I was a slave to the corporate world. I might not have full control of my left arm at the moment, but I do have control of my career!

Ray -- Experiment, Georgia


Blogger angel, jr. said...

Gotta love all those make money in your sleep ideas.

Hey, I've never been first!!

2/12/2007 12:00 PM  
Blogger KC said...

I hear a lot of adverts for medical testing on the radio during my drive in to work each morning. I always wonder who it is that is brave enough to let people poke, prod, and give them unknown medications? I'm a chicken. I guess I'll have to find some other way of making money. Unless someone wants to pay me just to sleep? I can do that very well!

2/12/2007 12:51 PM  
Blogger BrianAlt said...

Do they have a health plan?

2/12/2007 2:55 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

It doesn't seem to have affected Timmy that much. (You know who I'm talking about...Sister Christian)

2/12/2007 3:03 PM  
Blogger Phats said...

haha you almost had me sold for the make easy money without doing anything at all, until the tubes down the throat part. I can take the blood work

2/12/2007 3:10 PM  
Blogger Tai said...

I'm with KC...I'll sign up for the sleep tests.

"Oh boy, sleep! That's where I'm a viking!" R. Wiggum

2/12/2007 3:17 PM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

They run ads in the paper here for guinea pigs. They always call them "studies". Very vague and non-threatening sounding, don't ya think?

2/12/2007 4:39 PM  
Blogger David Amulet said...

Here's another one--I wonder if you could get any dumbasses to actually smoke cigarettes regularly. That whole self-destruction thing is so much fun!

-- david

2/12/2007 6:20 PM  
Blogger Jamie Dawn said...

Sign me up! I'd love to make $400 a day.
I'm not afraid of needles, and pesticide lemonade sounds good to me.
I'm available to give blood six days a week.

2/12/2007 7:14 PM  
Blogger Haley-O said...

OOOOoooo! I love pesticides! Count me in! (ew...!)

2/12/2007 9:26 PM  
Blogger ozymandiaz said...

It often seems as though my job is some sort of medical experiment. Or perhaps a psycholigical one. For all i know it is still the late fifties and I'm strapped in a chair while they experiment with LSD...
God I hope that explains it.

2/13/2007 7:33 AM  
Blogger :P fuzzbox said...

I wonder if they could come up with any good pesticide cocktails. A DDT Slammer has a nice ring to it.

2/13/2007 10:17 PM  
Blogger Keshi said...

I know how to make alot of money w.o. much effort. Just steal from mum's wallet. :):)

Happy V-day mate!


2/13/2007 10:30 PM  
Blogger Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Got anything that involves maybe having the fat cells sucked out of a humans thigh area???

If so, I am SO in! ;)

2/14/2007 6:25 AM  
Blogger Pixie said...

I might not have full control of my left arm at the moment, but I do have control of my career!


2/14/2007 11:54 AM  
Blogger Karen said...

Since I'm scientifically-challenged, I'll just pop in to wish you a Happy Valentine's Day! :+)

2/14/2007 11:59 AM  
Blogger Fated said...

People seriously make me shake my head.

2/14/2007 12:05 PM  
Blogger Grafs said...

I do, as a pharmacist, appreciate the statistical "adverse event" data handy in medication inserts. Thanks human subjects!

2/14/2007 12:12 PM  
Blogger ajooja said...

Those commercials freak me out, a bunch of guys standing around smoking, playing pool, sitting on really firm couches. Scary.

2/14/2007 12:50 PM  
Blogger The Phoenix said...

angel jr., I don't think you've ever been first. Congrats!

KC, I hear those too. If I was a college kid, I'd be tempted.

brianalt, Yes - if they accidentally make you very ill, they will cover it up...ahem...I mean, take good care of you.

anonymous, I'd say Timmy might have been enhanced by the experiments he volunteers for.

phats, Yeah - tubes go in all your orifices.

tai, you'd be great at sleeping! OK, that came out kinda wrong.

WG, they should just call them what they really are - scientific daredevils.

david, Yeah, that would be such a hoot.

JD, You must have already been sniffing the Glade Plug-ins too much.

2/14/2007 1:19 PM  
Blogger The Phoenix said...

haley-o, You know - they've run experiments on's amazing. Grotesque, actually.

ozy, you're a brain in a vat.

Fuzz, That'll put some hair on your chest.

keshi, Right! Steal from Mama.

Stacy, I'll let you know if I hear anything.

Pixie, Who needs a left arm anyway?

Karen, Happy Love Day to you too!

Fated, Maybe you should get that shaking thing checked out, girl.

Grafs, You know - your whole comment would make a great T-shirt.

Ajooja, One of them always goes, "Dad, I wanna join the Army."

2/14/2007 1:23 PM  
Blogger Reiki 4 Life said...

phoenix, I have to say, I clicked on the guinea pig link and read one of the stories about a kid named Jesse & the gene therapy fiasco that he eventually died from and I cried for hours. Thanks, man.

BTW, in college I did psychological experiements for money. (seriously) Perhaps that was the beginning of the end of my mind???

XOX...and Happy VD (that's valentine's day, not the 'other' VD)

2/14/2007 3:39 PM  
Blogger phred said...

Damn, all this time , I`ve been paying for cigarettes...

2/14/2007 6:38 PM  
Blogger Mimi said...

What about vacation time and dental?

Seriously, not unless I was already diagnosed to die.

2/14/2007 9:15 PM  
Blogger cube said...

I'd love to, but I've already signed up to participate in the How Much Prosac Is Toxic Study being conducted at my local university research facility. Thanks, though.

2/14/2007 9:46 PM  
Blogger Curare_Z said...

You gotta love people. This sure is Darwinism at its best...

2/15/2007 9:46 AM  
Blogger grrrbear said...

You know, I once had all the blood vessels in my eyeballs explode in an unfortunate amusement-park ride accident. It wasn't that bad, really. It didn't hurt at all and I would *freak* out people who walked past me on the street.

These days they probably just freak out for other reasons...

2/15/2007 2:07 PM  
Blogger Jamie Dawn said...

I don't just sniff Glad Plug-In's...

I won't have a new post up until the weekend. I've been too busy the past few days, and I'm using whatever spare time I have to visit blog buddies.
Stop by JD's this weekend!! That's me, BTW. :)

I hope you had a very Happy Heart Day!

2/15/2007 2:50 PM  
Blogger Mr Shife said...

Not a bad way to make a living. Is it any more insane to work in a cubicle 50 hours a week where your will to live is being sucked away slowly?

2/15/2007 2:56 PM  
Blogger Jim said...

I did one once, they paid me to electric shock me, but I is much better now --

my hero, the first guy who tried yogurt

2/16/2007 4:10 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Bugger! Mc Donalds owes me big time!

2/17/2007 5:29 AM  

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Welcome to the blog that aims to examine the lighter side of science. From the paranormal to wacky inventions, to strange mysteries and goofy experiments, I cover it all. Thanks for stoping by science is always stranger than fiction


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