The Phoenix

Monday, January 08, 2007

Never Wash Your Underpants Again

I've always believed that nanotechnology was going to revolutionize the world, particularly in the areas of medicine, industrial technology, and engineering. However, after spending $20 billion on a special project, the US military has finally done it:

Creating underwear you can go weeks without washing.

Sounds weird, but creating a special fabric that repels water, dirt, and bacteria has life-saving potential. "During Desert Storm, most casualties were from bacterial infections—not accidents or friendly fire," said Jeff Owens, one of the scientists that developed this special fabric. "We treated underwear for soldiers who tested them for several weeks and found they remained hygienic. They also helped clear up some skin complaints."

How does it work?

The fabric is specially treated with nanoparticles by means of microwaves. These microscopic particles are treated with chemicals that repel dirt, stains, and even microbial bacteria. The result is a new fabric that will stay clean, even from a microscopic standpoint, indefinitely.

Apart from the military applications, this technology's next step is to hit the consumer market. How many people would line up to buy underwear you never need to wash? If it repels bacteria, it repels the funk. But if it repels dirt, oil, and fluids, will it still repel dingleberries? I mean, with this special underwear, will some people never wipe their asses after pooping?

And where does all the dirt and nastiness go? Does it just float in speace between you ass crack? Or does it eventually make it's way down your pants leg?

Regardless, I can see several segments of our population that could use this amazing underwear: homeless people and hardcore gamers.

31 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Somehow, I KNEW you'd write about this!! I just finished reading it and immediately checked and here it is. ;) haha.

speaking as a former military person, it will totally come in handy, way better than the reverse/inside-out techniques currently used in the field.

I'd imagine seniors at the slot machines may benefit as well. :)

1/08/2007 9:15 AM  
Blogger Curare_Z said...

This post has got me thinking about pollution. It's not bad enough that we have to worry about smog, now we have to worry about the repelled bacteria floating around in the air just waiting to attack some unsuspecting crotch?

1/08/2007 10:13 AM  
Blogger Pixie said...

"now we have to worry about the repelled bacteria floating around in the air just waiting to attack some unsuspecting crotch?"
LMAO

Seriously I think I would just rather go commando

1/08/2007 10:39 AM  
Anonymous stephanie said...

My husband will be thrilled.

1/08/2007 11:31 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Creating underwear you can go weeks without washing.

ewwww!

stephanie... tee, hee ~ mine, too! :+)

1/08/2007 11:33 AM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

I would LOVE to get some sheets made from this fabric!

I mean, I would still wash my sheets because I'm anal, but it would eliminate the guilt when I lose track and forget to wash the sheets for a couple of weeks.

1/08/2007 12:29 PM  
Blogger Jamie Dawn said...

I'm an old fashioned gal, and I will stick to my old fashioned underwear. Well, not literally STICK to it, because that would be gross.
These scientists and their newfangled ideas!

1/08/2007 2:08 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Does it double its lifespan if you flip it inside out?

Sorry but non-washable underpants kinda freaks me out. Who wants to peel that off in a couple of weeks? Shudder.

1/08/2007 4:13 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What a fabulous idea!!

Having spent many years in the military, I can tell you that one of the biggest hassles in finding the time to wash and dry clothing. Undies and socks need to be changed regularly, so not only do you need to perform this tiresome chore often, but you also need to carry enough spares for the times you simply can't get it done.

This would cut down the soldier's "hassle factor" and the load he has to carry around. Fabulous!

1/08/2007 4:26 PM  
Blogger The Phoenix said...

onmywatch, reversing your underwear to allow the rubbing of the inside of your pants clean your underwear doesn't sound like fun. seniors at slot machines! perfect.

curare, or unsuspecting nose.

pixie, i hear more and more people are doing that a la kramer.

stephanie and karen, most husbands will be.

1/08/2007 9:42 PM  
Blogger The Phoenix said...

WG, it's perfect for kids. But I guess all the crap will just slide onto their floor.

JD, they need to make socks with this fabric. It'll prevent athlete's foot too.

jenna, thanks for coming back. the poop tracks must go somewhere.

andrew, I think soldiers are loving it.

1/08/2007 9:44 PM  
Blogger angel, jr. said...

I was always told to just turn your underwear inside out when you don't want to wash it.

1/08/2007 10:00 PM  
Blogger Keshi said...

YUKKKKK! I knew this day would arrive somehow. Sad.

Keshi.

1/08/2007 11:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I need to know where the stuff goes. This could save me loads of time doing laundry, but I need to know what happens to the nasties.

1/09/2007 5:54 AM  
Anonymous delmer said...

Just the other day I pointed out to my 11-year old son that he was putting on the same socks he'd had on the day before. He told me if he could make it until Saturday (two days off) he'd have worn the same socks for "two weeks straight."

He'll be first in line for washless underwear.

1/09/2007 8:33 AM  
Blogger KC said...

I wonder if my son already owns this kind of underwear because I am the one who does the laundry at home and I haven't seen any of his boxers in the basket lately. Hmmmm....

1/09/2007 2:43 PM  
Blogger David Amulet said...

So how does this apply to those of us who don't wear such remnants of an uptight past?

-- david

1/09/2007 3:57 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG! You've got to be kidding me??? I cn't even begin to imagine the smell! YUCK!

1/10/2007 4:49 AM  
Blogger cube said...

A great technological breakthrough, but one that I am glad I don't need.
Now where's my jetpack?

1/10/2007 9:54 AM  
Blogger Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Ewwww.....that's just...just...brrr...gives me the willies!

Quick question for you....does it repel skid marks? Because if not, well...I'm not buying them for The PK!!!

1/10/2007 11:02 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

Get rid of the whitie tighties, boys!

"During Desert Storm, most casualties were from bacterial infections—not accidents or friendly fire,"

Dude, I did not know that. That is VERY interesting.

1/10/2007 12:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cool story. I'll have to click the link to see where to invest. :)

1/10/2007 1:31 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Or does it eventually make it's way down your pants leg?

Of course it eventually makes its way down your pants leg. The underwear doesn't want it, so it's gotta go somewhere.

Yuck!!

1/10/2007 2:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Cancer research and childhood poverty BE DAMNED!!!

What the world really needed was stink-free underwear.

Rah!

1/10/2007 2:35 PM  
Blogger Fated said...

but does the material breath? ;)

1/10/2007 3:10 PM  
Anonymous o ceallaigh said...

And I had just finished writing that no one had offered me self-washing clothes yet. Teach me to pay attention.

(Yep. I've moved.)

1/10/2007 5:32 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

just ewwww!

1/10/2007 10:14 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gross. This should be for emergency use only. I, for one, love a fresh pair of underwear.

1/11/2007 10:44 AM  
Blogger Sherri said...

Ack!!!!

1/11/2007 2:44 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Oh god, imagine the size of the "skid marks"!

1/12/2007 1:41 AM  
Blogger LBseahag said...

A good dump is not complete without a dingleberry.


Wonder if the underwear repel STDs

1/12/2007 5:59 PM  

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