The Phoenix

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

The 2006 Darwin Awards

Last year, I wrote about The Darwin Awards here. To those unfamiliar with this infamous notoriety, The Darwin Awards honors those individuals that inadvertently strengthen our gene pool by volunteering to remove themselves from it. In other words, these morons somehow got themselves killed in the most ridculous and stupid ways.

Only the strong survive, but the weak provide the most entertainment with the many creative ways they dispose of their DNA for the betterment of all mankind.

Here are the 2006 Darwin Award winners:

Darwin Award Second Runner-Up
In August, a Brazilian metal scrap woker tried to disassemble a Rocket Propelled Grenade (RPG) by driving back and forth over it with a car. That didn't work so well. What to do? Oh, why not try the RPG with a sledgehammer?

Brilliant!

On his second swing, the grenade detonated. The explosion killed the bafoon, destroyed six cars, and wiped out the repair shop. The good news is, he at least created lots and lots of scrap metal. Oh, and the nimrod is no longer able to reproduce and create more idiotic offspring.

Darwin Award First Runner-UP
26 year old Kennon, of Belize, was doing his own version of Mythbusters in March. Could Benjamin Franklin's flying a kite with a metal key really draw lightning from the sky? Here's a good idea, let's try it. Wanting to achieve a dramatic effect, Kennon made a kite with a short string that he had extended with a length of thin copper wire.

That should do it!

As Kennon was running with the kite, the copper wire made contact with a high-tension line, sending a bolt of electrical lightning through Kennon, killing him. The irony? Kennon's father said that his son was an electrician, and "should have known better."

He should have, but alas, he didn't. Besides, would you trust that dipshit to work on YOUR home's wiring?

Darwin Award Winner
This one's a double-whammy. Two 21 year old college students from Florida, Jason and Sara, decided to have a little fun with helium. Sounds harmless, right? But an ordinary helium-filled balloon wasn't good enough for them. They had their sights set on the giant eight foot advertising balloon at their local strip mall.

They pulled down the giant balloon and climbed inside. No doubt, they were probably having a great time with their helium-induced voices. However, what they didn't know was that life needs oxygen to live. The helium probably made them feel high, then light-headed, and finally made them pass out.

The feet of Jason and Sara were found protruding from the deflated advertising balloon. You see how important oxygen is?

A family member said "Sara was mischievous, to be honest. She liked fun and it cost her."

Gee...you think?

As the helium made Jason and Sara sound like chipmunks, I wonder if their dying words were, "We represent...the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild, the Lollipop Guild...hehehehehehe..."


Thank you Darwin Award winners - the human race applauds your sacrifice.



33 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Great post! I throughly enjoyed the read.

1/24/2007 12:02 PM  
Blogger Curare_Z said...

Darwin Awards -- my favorite time of year. I mean, who doesn't like a good laugh and a sigh of relief that these nimrods are no longer around to reproduce? :-)

1/24/2007 1:35 PM  
Blogger kim said...

I LOVE these, every year. And yet, they kind of horrify me for the future of our race.

1/24/2007 1:39 PM  
Blogger Fated said...

OH my goodness!! Soooo funny. To be honest, the second runner up is my favorite.

Survival of the fittest anyone?

1/24/2007 1:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'll betcha their college admission officers re-reviewed their applications to find out what they missed.

1/24/2007 4:10 PM  
Blogger cube said...

I'm glad those dummies are out of the gene pool.

1/24/2007 4:27 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

I looked forward to the Darwin's every year, and take great solice in the fact that this lot are no longer around to muddy our gene pool further :o)

1/24/2007 5:15 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I firmly believe that I'm going to escape all of the normal... heart attack, cancer, car accident... ways of dying and do something stupid. (I"m accident prone) I'm going to do something liek start a wheelechair race in the home I'm stuck in and fall out from doing a wheeley when I win. Yep, that'd be the way I go.

1/24/2007 5:23 PM  
Blogger Keshi said...

LOL ok while these were funny stories, there's a serious message in there...dun try to play the fool with life.


Keshi.

1/24/2007 5:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Just natures way of thinning the herd. But man what a crappy way to go.

1/24/2007 5:50 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I always look forward to the yearly Darwin awards. Thanks for posting them!

The picture at the bottom of the post should say "you're", not "your". Maybe that's why he's a moron.

1/24/2007 9:21 PM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

Those were so great!

Thanks for posting them!

1/24/2007 9:31 PM  
Blogger The Phoenix said...

godwhacker, Thanks!

curare, I love the Darwins too. It's evidence that truth can be stranger than fiction.

kim, There are so many dumb people out there.

fated, Compared to them, I am as fit as Billy Blanks.

grafs, There's nothing on a transcript concerning common sense.

1/24/2007 9:31 PM  
Blogger The Phoenix said...

cube and michelle, It's best for the rest of us. Survival is dependent on these people "exiting the building."

goddess, I think the death of me will involve a toaster or some other very normal piece of kitchen gadgetry.

keshi, They didn't play the fool. They WERE fools.

mr. shife, One of my all-time favorite Darwin Award was the bus driver that ran in front of his rolling bus. Did he think he was Superman???

KC, I know! Your/You're mistakes is actually a HUGE pet peeve of mine.

Pissy, Thanks senorita!

1/24/2007 9:34 PM  
Blogger Haley-O said...

Wow! That's some crazy sh--! Is it bad that this post made me laugh? ;)

1/24/2007 9:56 PM  
Blogger Phats said...

I hope I never win this award! that would suck, well wait i'd be dead

1/24/2007 11:03 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gotta love it.

1/25/2007 8:19 AM  
Anonymous the amoeba said...

Ah, Schadenfreude. A fitting emotion for a nation that's voted for the people who keep sending our soldiers to Iraq. Twice.

1/25/2007 9:10 AM  
Anonymous stephanie said...

I love the Darwin awards!

1/25/2007 9:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What about the dude that looked into his car's gas tank using a match?
Or the guy that took to the web cam and indicated to his viewers that he had a handle on his drug use. He then began with a Jeeba and went on to mushrooms and klonopin, methodone and vicodin as a prelude to others. His chat buds tried to stop him and even called the police. His mom found him dead and his brother had this to say. "It seems like the group mentality really contributed to it. These people treat it like somehow it's not the real world. They forget it's not just words on a screen."

1/25/2007 10:55 AM  
Blogger Zen Wizard said...

Geez, does the recipient have to KILL HIMSELF?

Can't he just get a vasectomy?

(Oh, wait, that would be SMART...)

1/25/2007 11:43 AM  
Blogger angel, jr. said...

I love the Lollipop Guild. My buddies and I use to sing that song, with dance, while drunk. It impressed our girlfriends (or at least amused them--incidently, none of us are with the girls that we use to sing that to anymore. And we haven't sung it since).

1/25/2007 1:12 PM  
Blogger Fated said...

Haha! Wow. I don't think I've heard a Billy Blanks reference in like a year. Took me a second there to figure that one out.

It is true, these people make us all look absolutely fabulous.

1/25/2007 1:35 PM  
Blogger ozymandiaz said...

I always truly appreciate when people do all they can to improve the human gene pool

1/25/2007 3:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

LOVE the Darwin Awards.
The give 'runner up' prizes to those who haven't killed themselves but HAVE managed to ensure they never reproduce.
If you know what I mean.
And I think you do.

1/25/2007 4:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

On that first one:
So a R.P.G. just happened to be at the place where he worked???

1/25/2007 7:10 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

A Zen teacher once asked an assembly of monks "What's the most important thing in life?"
"Food," said one.
"Work," said another.
"The pursuit of truth," said a third.
The teacher signaled for a monk to step forward. Grabbing the monk's head, he dunked it in a tub of water and held it down until the monk gave up gasping for breath.

The assembly understood.

1/26/2007 7:06 AM  
Blogger David Amulet said...

The only thing funnier than these awards is the fact that the banner at the bottom mocking them for being stupid has a typo.

Long live Darwin!

-- david

1/26/2007 7:12 AM  
Blogger The Phoenix said...

haly-o, no it's not bad. I'm sure the deceased are laughing too.

phats, but at least you'll be famous.

brianalt and stephanie, Right on!

amoeba, Yes, we are sick sick puppies.

tim, It boggles the mind. Stupidity, just plain stupidity.

zen wizard, only through death can they permanently remove their inferior genes from the pool.

1/26/2007 8:10 AM  
Blogger The Phoenix said...

angel, And you should probably refrain from singing it henceforth.

fated, it's happiness at the expense of others.

ozy, I also appreciate those that do crossword puzzles.

tai, (snicker) yup, I know what you mean.

butterfly, I wondered that same thing too. There was a car full of RPGs, actually, so he was planning to scrap all of them.

dan, Oxygen - very important.

david, I really do think the person that designed that sign made an error. At first, I thought it was part of the gag, but now, I believe it's a grammatical mistake.

1/26/2007 8:14 AM  
Blogger Jamie Dawn said...

Poor Jason and Sara. At least they went out laughing, with really high-pitched Munchkin voices.
Not many people can say they did THAT!

1/26/2007 12:42 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ah the Darwin Awards. Good times.

That's when I can reminisce on all the dumb shit I did as a kid and be amazed I survived...and didn't wind up in the book. Phew.

1/26/2007 1:27 PM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

That last one... oy! I guess they hadn't made registered for chemistry or bio classes yet.

1/28/2007 12:20 PM  

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