The Phoenix

Thursday, November 16, 2006

Because Pandas Can't Take Viagra...

There are maybe 180 pandas in China, and only 1600 exist in the wild today. Once believed a mythical creature and totally unknown to the Western world until the early 20th century, zoos in Asia have been working to increase the population of pandas in captivity.

In other words, get panda bears to do the nasty.

How far will a Thai zoo go to get their two sexually inactive pandas bump and grind in hopes of having little cubs? They are willing to show "panda porn" to the male in order to increase his libido.

Six-year old male Chuang-Chuang and five-year old female Lin Hui were loaned to the Thai zoo in Bangkok from China. They've borrowed the two pandas for 10 years in hopes they'd "get busy" and produce offspring for the Thai zoo to keep. But there's been a glitch in this plan:

Chuang and Lin have become platonic friends.

"We have to encourage them to mate, and the videos will show mating positions of male pandas and female pandas," said Kannika Nimtragol, a veterinarian at the Chiang Mai zoo in northern Thailand.

Chuang showed more interest in eating, farting, pooping, and sleeping. Maybe they should rename the panda Homer. Young pandas in the wild see their adult counterparts mating all the time, but in captivity, they don't a chance to get this "sex education." The sex videos of will hopefully teach Chuang what Lin wants when she touches his genitals and lays down with her legs spread-eagle. Hopefully Chuang won't simply yawn, scratch his belly, and take a dump in the corner.

"We have to make them a boyfriend and a girlfriend. So we will put them in separate rooms next week. Chuang Chuang can only see Lin Hui when she shows signs of feeling amorous," she said. Dr. Nimtragol added that the zoo will show the videos in December.

I just hope the panda porn is of high quality. After doing some digging, I found some videos that I believe will get Chuang's wang in the mood:

From the company that brought us Penguin Pleasure, the lovely Ling-Ling will "love you long time" in Pounding Pandas.

Since the videos will be shown to Chuang in December, why not go with the holiday theme with a panda porn favorite - Jingle in the Jungle.

Maybe Chuang is more into the porn classics. If that's the case, he'll enjoy Shang Shags Shanghai.

Using panda porn might prove helpful in getting these two pandas to finally mate. However, I'm thinking they need to change the venue in order to get them in the mood. I feel for Chuang. I mean, I think I too would have sexual complications trying to get it on while little kids eating corn dogs are walking around watching.


Scram, you fucking kids!

41 Comments:

Blogger goddess said...

I think you might have too much time on your hands if you are looking up Panda Porn.

11/16/2006 8:09 AM  
Blogger Curare_Z said...

LOL. This post totally made me giggle.

I wonder if they'll name the film, "Pumpin' Pandas?"

11/16/2006 10:25 AM  
Blogger AnonymousCoworker said...

Pandas: nature's most worthless creatures.

11/16/2006 10:25 AM  
Blogger Kayla said...

The Panda Shag. haha
That is hysterical that the bears are being shown porn videos!
Will they get sex toys too??
;-)

11/16/2006 10:33 AM  
Anonymous delmer said...

Are you sure the male panda's name isn't "Delmer." It seems like I've spent most of my life being the platonic friend.

I wonder if the Thai's have tried filling the Panda tub with Jell-O.

11/16/2006 11:05 AM  
Blogger angel, jr. said...

What if the Panda porn only serves to make the male panda want to spew all over her back, face or belly?

11/16/2006 11:31 AM  
Blogger Jenna Howard said...

I was working on a response but then I read Angel Jr's comment and I'm too busy giggling at my desk so...I'll be back.

11/16/2006 11:32 AM  
Blogger KC said...

You (and angel, jr) are just too funny!

So, who's the unlucky videographer who gets to find and film the pandas who actually have sex? Does he/she have to skulk in high grass and hope the pandas don't see the camera so they won't become inhibited?

11/16/2006 11:35 AM  
Blogger Mr. Friendly said...

Funnier still is the pandas porn is subsidized by a grant from the Pew Research Foundation.

"Keep the checks coming!" says Foundation President, I. Fund Anything.

11/16/2006 12:02 PM  
Blogger Kay said...

Videos? C'mon, I'm sure there's wrong that nothing that a few bamboo cocktails, a little Marvin Gaye, and some dim lighting couldn't fix, right?

11/16/2006 1:50 PM  
Blogger Grafs said...

Maybe she's not quite a specimen of panda sexiness. Maybe she's the panda equivalent of those hygiene-impaired morbidly obese women who drive around on scooters in Wal-Mart.

11/16/2006 4:18 PM  
Blogger The Phoenix said...

goddess: I guess I need a hobby.

curare: Pumpin Pandas??? Hahahahaha

anonymous: Pandas are almost begging to be extinct.

kayla: Sex toys! Brilliant!!!!

delmer: I'm sure there are plenty of tubs filled with Jell-O there...it's Bangkok afterall.

angel jr: Obviously, you are a porn expert.

11/16/2006 5:36 PM  
Blogger Keshi said...

get em on ginger drinks LOL!

Keshi.

11/16/2006 7:22 PM  
Blogger The Phoenix said...

jenna: angel jr.'s comment made me laugh so hard, my eyes watered.

KC: that's one job I wouldn't want at all. He probably has to edit that footage and maybe add some background music.

Mr. Friendly: I guess the money going to show pandas porn is money taken away from the free condom program for prostitutes in Bangkok.

Kay: Spoken like a true romantic.

Grafs: She could be a fugly panda.

Keshi: I bet koalas are next on the animal porn program. Right mate?

11/16/2006 8:32 PM  
Blogger Mimi said...

You know there will now be some sicko human with a panda porn fetish.

11/16/2006 8:48 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe they don't like the hardcore stuff. Maybe something like Pandas Gone Wild. You know some pandas getting a little wild on Spring Break.

11/16/2006 10:24 PM  
Blogger Tai said...

!!

I thought I'd seen everything on the internet...but this just proves that there's nothing that can't be thought of.

Panda porn.

It's a sad sad world.

11/16/2006 10:52 PM  
Anonymous Bruce said...

I saw the pandas up in DC about 15-17 years ago, I think. The male was sitting on a boulder, with his stomach protruding, chowing down on a bamboo chute. I turned to my mother and said, "he looks just like Bob(my brother) watching tv and eating his popcorn." She agreed. We didn't see any panda hoochie-coo though.

11/16/2006 11:45 PM  
Anonymous mojotek said...

"...will hopefully teach Chuang what Lin wants when she touches his genitals and lays down with her legs spread-eagle."

Aww, c'mon. Are they sure they aren't dealing with a panda who's batting for the other team? Hell, if that's what the female is doing, then instinct should pretty much just take over. My vote is that Chuang-Chuang may not want females for his wang-wang.

11/17/2006 8:30 AM  
Blogger LBseahag said...

As a self-proclaimed furry, this made me think of Woody Allen...is that bad?

11/17/2006 10:07 AM  
Blogger Pixie said...

Oh no do you think they will overdub it with that cheesy music :0

11/17/2006 11:39 AM  
Blogger ajooja said...

I still fucking hate pandas ... :)

11/17/2006 12:43 PM  
Blogger Phats said...

I think you have tapped into a new market for the porn industry! Pandas are cute.

Did you hear that story of the drunk chinese guy at a chinese zoo that climbed the fence and picked a fight with the Panda, it bit him so he bit it back. haha

11/17/2006 1:51 PM  
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11/18/2006 1:37 AM  
Blogger Beth said...

I want to see some Panda Porn ...

11/18/2006 8:50 AM  
Blogger Sar said...

Phoenix, I've seen some of those pictures surfing images for the caption contest. Leave it to you to turn it into a scientifically humerous post about porkin pandas! ;)

11/18/2006 9:24 AM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

I think they should ratchet it up a notch. You know, bring in some more pandas just in case they're swingers.

11/18/2006 4:58 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

How cum Panda is such a great word for alliteration?

11/18/2006 5:29 PM  
Blogger Cari said...

ur crazy yet funny...

guess that means im crazy too...

haha

maybe they need 2 find 2 other pandas to hook up...

11/18/2006 8:44 PM  
Blogger Sherri said...

LOL! Panda Porn! I never cease to be amazed by you phoenix.

11/19/2006 3:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

do Pandas fast forward through the plot too?

11/19/2006 4:27 PM  
Blogger Keshi said...

animal porn? LOL then gorillas will top it!

Keshi.

11/19/2006 9:09 PM  
Anonymous starbender said...

Maybe they just need a little Wine!

' ]

11/20/2006 8:14 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"Panda Porn"

*giggle*

11/21/2006 9:33 AM  
Blogger OnMyWatch said...

A potential upside with panda porn is that the movies would be filmed in black and white. (ba-dum-peesh!) So that would save money, and I'd imagine they'd be silent as well. I mean, it's not like they could make all kinds of sounds, now, would they? They're soft and furry...how noisy could that be? :)

11/21/2006 1:37 PM  
Blogger :P fuzzbox said...

I am with Angel, Jr. I hope they have deleted the cumshots.

11/21/2006 4:36 PM  
Blogger Phats said...

Have a great thanksgiving phoenix!

11/22/2006 12:47 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

informative!

11/23/2006 8:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

i wear a SPECTACLE!!!!!!!!!!!! i am furry panda david smiley heaton.

goodbye and good night!!!

12/07/2006 9:53 AM  
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