The Phoenix

Thursday, June 01, 2006

VeriChip Off The Old Block

Immigration is a hot topic in this country. It seems everybody has an opinion. Now, science has entered the immigration controversy. The latest idea: implanting a VeriChip to track immigrant workers.

On the surface, this does seem like a great idea. The VeriChip is very safe and is FDA approved for human implantation. It would be a simple, effective, and costly method to tracking immigrant workers that come into the United States. And should any Mexican guest worker happen to get "misplaced" or "lost," our government enforcement agencies could easily find them and make sure they are sent back home...safely. Isn't that nice?

I have my dogs VeriChipped. It didn't hurt, and there aren't any side effects. And the chip is very easy to use.

It is unobtrusive, since it's the size of a grain of rice. Once implanted, it actually bonds with the tissue to keep it in place. When a reader is placed over the chip, it activates it and received its encoded information. Easy schmeezie!

There is the matter of infringing upon the immigrants' privacy and civil liberties, but those are just pesky details that can be dealt with quite easily. In fact, this idea has the backing of Columbian President Alvaro Uribe. He is reported to have voiced his approval of the practice with several US Senators.

Recently, proponents of this potential solution have come up with additional uses of the implantation of such a tracking device into the bodies of seasonal workers.

One idea being thrown around is that the chip will release a painful, but not fatal, electrical shock when an immigrant worker is even thinking about impregnating our American women. The chip would be able to detect such lustful thoughts of the implantee and send a "correction" that will quickly remove such detestable desires from their foreign libidos.

The other novel modification would detect when three or more Mexican workers are congregating at any Home Depot parking lot and send an ear piercing signal that would only cease when they vacate the premises.

Scott Silverman, CEO of the VeriChip Corporation, was on Fox News Channel recently - and he said implanting immigrant workers is a FANTASTIC idea. Whom are we to argue with Mr. Silverman and the President of Columbia?

We can make getting a VeriChip the IN thing to do! I hear if you have one implanted in your arm, and you walk through an area with Wi-Fi signals, you get such a kick-ass buzz.


Blogger Karen said...

"kick-ass buzz"...


Always wanted one of those and it looks like I got *firsties*!


5/31/2006 11:30 PM  
Blogger Godwhacker said...

Sounds like the first step in an assimilation process. Forced implantation of cybernetic devises, next comes the borg queen in a grass skirt presenting a lay... you look close at her face and realize its Nancy Reagan.

5/31/2006 11:44 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

And next I'll have them implanted in all the single guys so they're easy to find. It'll be like grocery shopping but easier. I'll have a little wand in my purse that had can wave over every guy I pass. Awesome. Just...awesome.

6/01/2006 12:01 AM  
Blogger Jim said...

should be required of any offspring of Brad Pitt

6/01/2006 1:32 AM  
Blogger DaBich said...

I'm howling guys are killing me.
Can we put these chips in the victims of the aliens to see if they get picked up again???

6/01/2006 5:02 AM  
Blogger The Phoenix said...

karen, I hear you get a nice buzz if a chipped person uses their cell phone.

godwhacker, You are going to give me nightmares!

jenna, And you can have their sexual history encoded on their chips.

jim, I don't think the chip will work in Africa, though.

dabich, We could but the aliens will just remove them or via anal probe, destroy the chip.

6/01/2006 6:14 AM  
Blogger phred said...

Could the VeriChip turn out to be the '' Mark of the Beast''?

6/01/2006 6:36 AM  
Blogger Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

I know it's not a food, but the chip should still come in a "Nacho Cheese" variety.

6/01/2006 6:57 AM  
Blogger Curare_Z said...

I've also heard that the chip will time how fast they run across the border. That way if there is any potential Olympic talent out there...we make 'em 'Mericans!

6/01/2006 6:58 AM  
Blogger Carmel said...

Sounds like something that would be ideal to use on sex offenders!

6/01/2006 7:11 AM  
Anonymous Bruce said...

"Resistance is fu-tile..."

6/01/2006 7:53 AM  
Blogger ozymandiaz said...

Whats more, having a verichip will make airport security an evan more fun advernture...

6/01/2006 7:57 AM  
Blogger Kay said...

I've heard that this technology is also being discussed for people with mental illness/disabilities, too, so even if they got away from their caretakers, they could still be easily identified and located. Sort of like the reason for doing it for dogs. Gee, if you weren't so funny, this topic would be really depressing!

6/01/2006 8:42 AM  
Blogger Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

I need one of those implanted in The Peanut King so when he gets anywhere NEAR a Bass Pro Shop, it will alert me and I'll know I have to take all his credit cards away A.S.A.P.

P.S. - I love Cheech! ;)

6/01/2006 9:02 AM  
Blogger Mimi said...

Okay I want us to be more kick ass in this issue. But I think the chips are a bit much! I like carmels suggestion though!

6/01/2006 9:07 AM  
Anonymous Jennifer said...

Oh lord.....slippery slope people...slippery slope...

6/01/2006 9:59 AM  
Anonymous delmer said...

I, too, like Carmel's suggestion.

Dabich had a good idea as well.

6/01/2006 10:08 AM  
Blogger Dirk the Feeble said...

I don't think it's that big of a deal to just go ahead and implant everybody on earth. What's wrong with that? We all have to sacrifice a little bit of civil liberty in order to have the convenience of . . . uh, what was it those chips did again? Well I'm sure it's important if the government supports it.

6/01/2006 10:16 AM  
Blogger Carae said...

Can I second Jenna's suggestion? Not only their sexual history, but marital history and how many children they have as well. And maybe the ones who merit it immediately come up with an "ASSHOLE" warning, complete with blinking lights and a siren?

On a serious note, I can't believe this is being considered. When did we lose the idea that American or not, we're all people?

6/01/2006 10:52 AM  
Blogger O Ceallaigh said...

Hmmm ... when did the Mexicans convert to Judaism, Herr Himmler?

6/01/2006 11:17 AM  
Blogger Pixie said...

I like Jennas idea LOL but I think thats a bit too much "Big Brother is watching".

6/01/2006 11:44 AM  
Blogger angel, jr. said...

So we can track people much like "On Star" does?
I'm not so sure about this.

6/01/2006 12:38 PM  
Blogger mollymcmommy said...

if we all got done it would be like we all belonged to someone, like their pets.


6/01/2006 12:59 PM  
Blogger The Phoenix said...

Sounds like Jenna is onto something.

Also, I like Carmel's too. Why don't we do this with sex offenders? Maybe send a shock to their genitiles when they are within 20 feet of a child.

6/01/2006 1:30 PM  
Blogger Crazy Dan said...

This is a comment in hopes that you can help Fuzz with his problem we are holding an intervention for him any help would be tremendous. I know that you visit his blog at times and I hope with the help of friends we can get him the treatment he needs.

6/01/2006 1:33 PM  
Blogger Tai said...

Lots of Brazilian business men are having themselves implanted these days, due to the kidnap risk!

6/01/2006 1:36 PM  
Blogger Jay said...

Yeah, I think I'll pass.

6/01/2006 1:40 PM  
Blogger cube said...

It certainly isn't as outlandish as it sounds at first. We could sell it as kidnap prevention ;-)

6/01/2006 1:45 PM  
Anonymous mojotek said...

Hey, it's Cheech from "Up in Smoke". I actually bought that movie for my best friend for his birthday one year... he was a stoner in college so he got a kick out of it.

6/01/2006 2:00 PM  
Blogger vani said...

i need one of those for my husband. :)

6/01/2006 6:06 PM  
Blogger :P fuzzbox said...

It smacks of the bar codes in 'Dark Angel' Scary shit.

6/01/2006 7:39 PM  
Blogger David Amulet said...

I am considering installing a VeriChip in my remote control so I can locate it next time it walks away.

-- david

6/01/2006 8:44 PM  
Blogger Jamie Dawn said...

Perfect photo to end with.

This chip thing is a great idea. We should all have one.

We could find Natalie Holloway if she had one.
And all those missing children could be located.
I can see some really great value in these.

If most Americans got them, then it wouldn't be a big deal to make everyone that comes into America get one. I'm all for it! Woof, woof!

6/01/2006 9:00 PM  
Blogger LBseahag said...

A V Chip in the neck, huh...and all that runs through my mind is poor ol bob the chicken...

6/01/2006 10:04 PM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

I think you need some celebrity endorsements first. Let's VeriChip Paris Hilton. That way the chip could detect and smack her upside the head when she does something stupid.

I actually do know parents who've discussed getting these things for their kids, though. Scary! I never want to be that traceable.

6/02/2006 1:24 AM  
Blogger fragrance store said...

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6/02/2006 7:04 AM  
Blogger Cari said...

this can't be good.

6/02/2006 7:48 AM  
Blogger The Phoenix said...

crazy dan, Maybe Fuzz should blog MORE. That'll burn him out sooner.

tai, I saw that. That's messed up...but I suspect those Brazillian rich guys' wives are behind it.

jay, You could have your hubby implanted. His whereabout could always be tracked. Although it seems the two of you are always together anyway.

cube, If your child was kidnapped...having your child chipped would be something you wished you could've done. In all honesty, I do see that side of it.

6/02/2006 7:52 AM  
Blogger The Phoenix said...

Fuzz, Dark Angel...1984...Book of Revelations. It is very scary.

David, That is an amazing idea. Or perhaps car keys should be chipped.

mojotek, Cheech and Chong cracks me up. I was hoping to someday be able to post a pic from "Up in Smoke."

JD, All the retail giants are for it too. They want to track where we go and what we buy.

LB, maybe it's because that was the last post you read of mine. Where have you been??????????? I'm glad to see your return.

WG, I think the chip would become dislodged from Paris' constant head bobbing.

cari, What's one more controversy on top of another one?

6/02/2006 7:55 AM  
Blogger LostInTX said...

Instead of having it implanted it should be put into a piece of cheese that you swallow (hey, we're already copying ideas for pets why not roll with it, eh?) and then once in your stomach it could attach to your lining so you wouldn't 'release' it later.

Although your post was comical the idea of it makes me sick. I don't ever want anyone being able to track me all the time. It's ridiculous.

6/02/2006 8:42 AM  
Blogger Grafs said...

The Veri chip logo looks suspiciously like the Eye of Sauraman (Lord of the Rings). I hope this is a coincidence.

6/02/2006 11:49 AM  
Blogger Grafs said...

The Veri chip logo looks suspiciously like the Eye of Sauraman (Lord of the Rings). I hope this is a coincidence.

6/02/2006 11:50 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

There's a guy wandering around out there with a verichip that acts as his keys: for his house, for his car, for turning on his computer. I saw this on the news (yes, OC, I watch the news... sometimes). What happens when some genius discovers how to make a verichip virus? Hm? What then? Because you know some horse's arse is going to figure out how to do that.

And it was thoroughly nasty to watch as they inserted that thing into his hand. Blech.

6/02/2006 12:58 PM  
Blogger BrianAlt said...

I was going to say, 'isn't that what they use on dogs,' but you mentioned it first.

I guess there is a parallel here? One set ARE dogs, the others are just being treated like them.

6/02/2006 2:13 PM  
Blogger Yawn said...

C'mon Phoenix. Everyone knows there's know such thing as a lustful thought corrector or an electrocutor in these simple harmless comfortable, fashionable and affordable chips. They load them with C4 and put them next to the jugular where they violently explode when the immigrant is thinking about cojer a la gÜera.

Secret agencies have been using them for years.

6/02/2006 4:35 PM  
Blogger Etchen said...

Is thatt eh same implant they use in dogs to identify them when they are lost?

6/02/2006 5:03 PM  
Anonymous Jennifer said...

Jay - unfortunately inserting a chip into a child may endanger them more. If someone is serious about kidnapping them, find it, cut it out.

6/02/2006 9:12 PM  
Anonymous Snoopy said...

I buried that gizmo in the backyard the next day, next to the two-legged guy's favorite CD

6/03/2006 12:04 AM  
Blogger jay lassiter said...

A slippery slope alright. in fact, one day we're doing something like this, the next we're gonna pick another group (class, race, etc) of folks to do as well. maybe the gays? or the arabs?

6/03/2006 2:23 PM  
Blogger The Valley Girl Philosopher said...

We already call them illegal aliens, why not get sci-fi on their asses? By the way, do you think totally hot Canadians can get in on this deal too? Maybe we'd get the deluxe immigrant version: a cell-phone, I-POD, credit card, blackberry, and tracking device all in one. I may be a dreamer, but I know I'm not the only one....

6/03/2006 2:47 PM  
Blogger jay lassiter said...

the more i think about it the more this stinks to high heaven.

maybe a good title would be "first they came for the Hispanics"

6/03/2006 4:15 PM  
Blogger Spell NYRA said...

That's just scary!

6/03/2006 6:28 PM  
Blogger phlegmfatale said...

um, maybe if we could imbue the verichip with a sterilizing agent, more people would be in favor of the ideer.

6/05/2006 2:07 AM  
Blogger ObilonKenobi said...

I'm scared and impressed by this technology. If you could make it a GPS system and have it placed within your child it might help with all those missing children cases. Or to track down soldiers missing int he field of battle. That's just the beginning. We could have chips that are like hard disk drives so I can always have my files and music with me!!!

6/11/2006 10:14 PM  
Blogger Will said...

I'm not crazy about such an idea ... but I do appreciate your sarcasm.

6/13/2006 12:41 PM  

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Welcome to the blog that aims to examine the lighter side of science. From the paranormal to wacky inventions, to strange mysteries and goofy experiments, I cover it all. Thanks for stoping by science is always stranger than fiction


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