The Phoenix

Thursday, June 29, 2006

New Weapons Against Zits

Most of us associate acne and pimples with the surge in hormones during adolescence. However, many adults over 25 also suffer from zits that won't quit. We've tried using special cleansers, pads, and medications...but results have been mixed at best. Science has been hard at work, and two new solutions have hit the market this year.

What if you could eat your way to a zit-free face? Jelly beans, chocolate, and even gummy bears might be the new weapon to prevent and treat acne. Scott Vincent Borba has several delicious products that contain powerful antioxidants to battle your worst pus-filled nightmares. They contain pomegranate and green tea extracts.

According to Borba, independent testers of the powerful chocolate bar had a reduction of 52% in
28 days. I'm not exactly sure how these testers measured a 52% reduction in pimples...but that's what the company reports. Such a yummy product does come with a heavy price tag. The chocolate bar costs $8 at Nordstrom's. The gummy bears and jelly beans are $25 per pound. Last I checked, the average teenager can't afford to buy this stuff on a regular basis, so they might be forced to stick to Clearasil pads and staying home on Saturday night playing Halo 2.

Or, hey, how about you eat some pomegranate fruit and drink some green tea? Maybe wash your face more than once a year???

Here's a picture of Scott Vincent Borba...look at that zit-free face. The guy must be telling the truth about his expensive candy. How can you not trust a man with the most exquisitely shaped eyebrows?

No, this is not the latest mp3 player technology, this is Zeno - the zit zapper.

Using heat shock therapy, this gadget focuses pin point heat in order to kill the bacteria beneath the skin's surface to accelerate healing. Literally, this blasts away pimples.

Manufactured by Tyrell, Inc., this product has been known to help 90% of the testers involved in the company's own study. Can you imagine that? I expected nothing less than 80%. According to their website, just a couple 2 1/2 minute treatments is enough to accelerate the improvement of typical pimples.

The Zeno, however, is not supposed to be used on whiteheads or blackheads. The pimples where you get that clear pus secretion is the kind of pimple Zeno works best against. I hope you just didn't eat lunch. After charging the Zeno for 6 hours initially, it's ready to blast away your nasty zits - using the power of heat shock therapy.

I wonder if you could use this neat technology to torture ants.
Anyway, this product is also very costly. At $225, the Zeno is not a cheap solution. However, where else can you possible use the power of heat to destroy pimples?

A hot washcloth couldn't possibly do the same thing for the cost of $0.000000000001 per treatment, could it?
If Zeno could play 2GB of my favorite tunes, then maybe I'd get one.

Thanks goes to Siren for sending me the article on these fabulous products.


Blogger Carae said...

It's amazing the thought, time and technology put into some of these things... Not, say, world hunger, or war among nations, but ACNE.

You could probably package your hot washcloth idea and charge $49.99 for it.

6/29/2006 9:53 PM  
Blogger Kay said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

6/29/2006 11:28 PM  
Blogger Kay said...

Let's try that again...

Zit Remover + MP3 Player = iPop

6/29/2006 11:28 PM  
Blogger Laurie said...

I'm so grossed out.

6/29/2006 11:43 PM  
Blogger O Ceallaigh said...

I'm going to have to bring this up at the next staff meeting of my laboratory. Tell them to forget ocean science and concentrate on developing and marketing a $350 pimple popper that will use a microprocessor-controlled infrared source (total cost wholesale: around $.50) to inject pomegranate and green tea extracts into affected subcutaneous tissues while emitting the aroma of Giardinelli Dark Chocolate. Five years of that and we'll be able to fund all the oceanography we desire off the profits.

Um, what's wrong with this picture ...?

6/30/2006 2:07 AM  
Blogger DaBich said...

You know, I'm an o'l biatch and I STILL get pimples??? That's just wrong!
Have a great weekend, Phoenix!

6/30/2006 7:12 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Wow...that zit guy is hot. I would have read on but I was distract by pimple boy. Yowzah. Anyone got his number? First though I gotta steam open my pores.

6/30/2006 7:25 AM  
Blogger ozymandiaz said...

Personally, I use a clever device for the eradication of pimples. It utilizes the principle of opposing pressures. I apply the device on two side of the effected area and apply the appropriate amount of force to eject and propel the infected puss form the pimple like a projectile preferably landing on another person or at least their food.

6/30/2006 8:06 AM  
Anonymous delmer said...

iPop! Very good.

I like how the Zeno looks like a USB jump drive. That way the nerds (stereotypically the greatest sufferers from zits) can wear it on a lanyard around their necks without arousing suspicion.

6/30/2006 11:48 AM  
Blogger Grafs said...

No black heads OR white heads? Sounds like it'd better play movies or music!

6/30/2006 6:12 PM  
Blogger Phats said...

ha interesting, I have never really had a problem with Zits thankfully. you?

So, eating all those foods will get rid of acne but have you gain like what 100 lbs?

6/30/2006 6:28 PM  
Blogger phred said...

Ahhh, to think, a zit-free world...
I will sleep better tonight.
Have a good weekend !

6/30/2006 6:41 PM  
Blogger Mimi said...

I don't think the people at ProActive with the celeb infomercials have too much reason to worry about loosing customers. Unfortunately the public will listen to P Diddy or whatever the hell his name is.

6/30/2006 9:11 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

EEwwww EEwwww Eewwwww!!

7/01/2006 2:38 AM  
Blogger Ben Heller said...

Long live Zits.

I still believe that teenage greasy skin is an untapped natural resource. Just think..if we can harness the thousands of gallons of grease that the average teenager produces, and we could pay them for it too.

The days of "can you lend me 10 bucks" would be over, and gas prices would reduce too. Everybody wins.

7/01/2006 4:18 AM  
Blogger phlegmfatale said...

omg - I can't believe this actually works. Sounds like just another waste of money. Sheesh.

7/01/2006 12:13 PM  
Blogger Fated said...

Mmmmm pomegranates. *drools a little*

I'm suprised I am able to drool after that first picture.

It's like an accident, just can't look away.

7/01/2006 2:03 PM  
Blogger Curare_Z said...

ok, that first picture is jsut disgusting Phoenix......

7/02/2006 4:43 PM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

All right, fine. I know you all will laugh at me but I totally want one of those zit zappers! I heard about them a couple of months ago. They have a similar technique with ultrasound they use in salons and it works. I know it's not solving world hunger, but as an adult who suffers acne some of us appreciate the solutions out there.

And yes, make all the greasy skin jokes you want but I have not a wrinkle in sight... so there.

7/02/2006 8:28 PM  
Blogger Keshi said...

hey Phoenix how's it going?

As usual funny post lol! But I wont need one :)


7/02/2006 11:29 PM  
Blogger Jay said...

Wow, talk about stuff I wish I didn't know!

7/03/2006 7:40 AM  
Blogger Jamie Dawn said...

I have seen two dermatologists in my lifetime.
One, when I was a teenager. He was really handsome and tan and had perfect skin.
The other was later after I was an adult, and he was pocked marked, obviously had had bad acne.
I actually trusted the advice of the second guy more.
I mean the guy really KNEW what it was like to have a skin problem.
I think the best treatment for ALL skin, acne or not, is BHA and AHA. These exfoliants are great.
I use 2% BHA every, single day, and occasionally use a 12% AHA.

7/03/2006 3:57 PM  
Blogger kim said...

kay - *LOL* brilliant.

7/04/2006 11:18 AM  
Blogger Carmel said...

Amazing! Although I thank God that I don't have a zit prob.

7/04/2006 8:45 PM  
Blogger Mr_Selfdestruct said...

Gee, and I was always told that chocolate mad zits worse! Where was this wonderful stuff when I was in high school? And if the little zeno thing doesn't work on whiteheads and blackheads WHATS THE FUCKING POINT? I can see the infomercial now. "For only one easy installment of $224.95 you can rid of nearly 0.5% of your acne!" Idiots.

7/08/2006 4:18 PM  
Blogger The Phoenix said...

Yeah, I think a hot rag is about as useful on zits.

7/09/2006 1:48 PM  
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