The Phoenix

Wednesday, June 21, 2006

The Baby Whisperer

If only you could talk.

For many parents this is a desperate wish for their young child. Some babies scream all night, others refuse to eat, and then you have the "demon seed" kids that refuse to behave. The frustration is worse when the child is simply too young to talk and verbalize what's bothering him.

That's where Derek Ogilvie comes in.

Mr. Ogilvie (pictured left and below) is a well known Scottish psychic, and he's written a book and has a TV series showcasing his ability to communicate with little babies...psychically.

Is that possible?

Ogilvie says yes. He states, in fact, that ALL babies are psychic and capable of telepathic communication. For some of us parents, that doesn't seem too farfetched. I seem to know when my little one is taking a big dump in her diaper. I don't believe it's telepathy that tells me this, however. It's the funny face she makes, the deep furrowing of her brows. Then there's always the smell that tips me off.

In an article in the Daily Mail from 2 years ago, a mother - a self-described skeptic - invited Derek Ogilvie to her home to work with her kids. In the article, she says that her doubt melted after just 20 minutes. I read the article very carefully, and personally, I didn't see anything that would indicate to me the mother was a skeptic at all. In fact, she seemed to be trying to conform the truth around Ogilvie's reading.

Whether you believe he's legitimate or simply employing "cold readings," it's still a fascinating possibility. Imagine the cool psychic sessions Ogilvie could have with two of the tabloids' favorite newborns: Shiloh Nouvell Pitt-Jolie and Suri Xenu L. Ronnette Holmes-Cruise.

Ogilvie: OK...I'm connecting with Shiloh. She's very unhappy, unable to sleep at night.

Brad: Hey, that's right. This guy is good.

Angelina: I told the psychic about her crying at night before he came over, you idiot.

Ogilvie: I see the Equator, we are south of it. Somewhere far away. In a distant, ancient, desert land. The cradle of life.

Angelina: My last Tomb Raider movie was called The Cradle of Life.

Brad: No, he's talking about Africa, you bitch. Namibia. Where we had the baby.

Angelina: WE? WE had the baby? Excuse me, Achilles, but I didn't see the doctor cutting YOU open to get the baby out.

Ogilvie: Oh dear...

How about doing a reading for TomKat's newborn?

Ogilvie: I'm connecting with Suri...

Tom: I'm SO Happy! (Starts strutting around as if he's re-enacting a scene from The Color of Money).

Ogilvie: She's very sad...very unhappy.

Katie: She's disappointed I had an epidural? I knew it.

Ogilvie: No...she's conveying to me she hates her name. Suri Xenu L. Ronnette Holmes-Cruise.

Tom: What?! But Suri means "Princess" in Hebrew. It's a beautiful name.

Katie: Yeah, but it also stands for Surrey, England. L. Ron Hubbard had a house there and it's the site of the UK Scientology headquarters. And Xenu? What the hell?

Ogilvie: Suri is also telling me that "suri" means "pick-pocket" in Japanese.

Tom: Well shit, how the hell was I supposed to know that?

Katie: Last Samuri my ass! I don't blame her for hating her name. Why didn't we just name her Suri Xenu Scientology Dianetics L. Ron Hubbard Cultis Maximus?

Tom: Silence! I command you not to speak!

Ogilvie: Oh dear...

I'm hoping The Baby Whisperer gets to communicate with Anna Nicole Smith's baby, once it's born. (You all can make up your own breastfeeding jokes here).


50 Comments:

Blogger :P fuzzbox said...

Okay first John Edwards then the pet psychic, and now this yahoo. Hopefully they have officially overloaded this seer thing and slide comfortably back to the shadow realm.

6/20/2006 11:33 PM  
Blogger Michelle said...

Brilliantly funny!!

6/21/2006 12:55 AM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

I think we're overloaded on celebrities having kids with funky names, too. Can THEY slide back into the shadow realm?

(that picture of Tom Cruise is scary)

6/21/2006 1:06 AM  
Blogger Laurie said...

Hahahaha... that was great :-)

6/21/2006 1:14 AM  
Anonymous Haas said...

Ha Ha this is just crazy... Man there are real nut cases out there

6/21/2006 2:39 AM  
Blogger O Ceallaigh said...

You're exactly right, Phoenix, the "psychics" are well trained at picking up visual cues - the same ones that animals without verbal language used to communicate their wishes to each other - and at researching their vict.. er, sorry, their clients so they can utter exactly the right "seer-sounding" phrase at exactly the right moment. Any good show causes us to suspend our disbelief ...

As for getting these people back into the shadow realm. It's exquisitely simple. Stay away from their movies. Don't click on their websites. Hands off the National Enquirer. If they're pushin' it, it's 'cause we're payin' for it. Amazing how fast they disappear when we close our wallets.

6/21/2006 2:55 AM  
Blogger DaBich said...

You have me laughing Phoenix...great post!

6/21/2006 4:55 AM  
Blogger David Amulet said...

Babies communicate with me through psychic connections, too. They tell me that they cry, poop, vomit, and scream and that I should stay away.

I oblige them.

-- david

6/21/2006 7:39 AM  
Blogger ozymandiaz said...

Yea, my ASS is psychic also. It works like this; someone presses their face up against it with their nose right at my sphincter and I can tell you EXACTLY what they are thinking...
Booya!

6/21/2006 7:56 AM  
Blogger Kay said...

Anna Nicole Smith is having a baby? Wow, and I really thought I was on top of my celebrity news...

6/21/2006 8:56 AM  
Blogger angel, jr. said...

Yeah they can talk, has anyone seen the movie, "Look Who's Talking"? They can talk--or else how'd they get those babies to act like that.

6/21/2006 9:01 AM  
Blogger The Phoenix said...

Fuzz, everyone knows that Silvia Brown is the only REAL psychic.

michelle,laurie, and dabich, Thanks! I aim to please.

WG, Maybe Ogilvie should try to connect with Apple and Moses.

Haas, I think he preys on desperate parents.

O'Ceall, They tried to show that Ogilvie was authentic by having him do a reading on a child not in the room. All he did was say all these general statements that could be applied to every baby, and the parents were astounded. It's the willingness of the believers to believe that's the real magic.

amulet, I'm surprised they don't tell you to get near so they can vomit, poop, and pee on you.

ozy, I'm sure everyone that gets a reading from you get's their socks knocked off.

kay, Yes, she has been impregnated.

angel, I thought they shoved peanut butter in their mouths...oh wait, that's Mr. Ed. When are you going to Vegas???

6/21/2006 9:54 AM  
Blogger FantasticAlice said...

Holy shit... Anna Nicole is having a baby?

And the gene pool just keeps going right down the drain.

I wonder what Jack Black's or Adam Sandler's babies would be talking about...

Always good stuff from the Phoenix.

6/21/2006 10:01 AM  
Blogger Perplexio said...

With mams like Anna Nicole Smith's, methinks if she has a boy he'll want to keep breast-feeding until he's 18.

6/21/2006 10:04 AM  
Anonymous Jennifer said...

LMAO!

O'Ceall and I seem to be psychically connected. He stole my comment. :p

IMO, no one is more in tune with a child than the parent (Mother really), if the parent is willing to listen and look at verbal cues, you can have a happy baby indeed.

With my Rugrat, we used simple sign language before she started to verbalize and it reduced frustration on both our ends.

6/21/2006 11:02 AM  
Blogger Jill said...

How funny! LOL

6/21/2006 11:06 AM  
Blogger Kyahgirl said...

Love your caricatures of the 'beautiful' people.

Yikes.

6/21/2006 3:34 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

weird celebrity names... think these are a couple of the weirdest:

Julia Roberts' kids... Hazel Patricia and Phinnaeus Walter Moder

wellllllllll, maybe not! forgot about Apple and Moses, Gwyneth Paltrow's kids!

but what the heck do i know!

*chuckle*

6/21/2006 3:39 PM  
Anonymous 40spoet said...

new here, from michelle's page. too funny. i guess i'm psychic too. we have horse whisperer, dog whisperer, and now baby one? sheesh, they are crawling out from under all sizes of rocks these days. happy hump day!

6/21/2006 4:47 PM  
Blogger Jim said...

can they predict lotto numbers?

6/21/2006 4:55 PM  
Blogger Phats said...

That's freaking awesome! Some people are claiming there is no TomKat baby. Have you ever watched Dog Whisperer on National Geographic? That's what this reminded me of.

Hey still time for you to get to indiana, we can team up enter the mens doubles and kick some ass

6/21/2006 6:30 PM  
Blogger cube said...

I'm just waiting for them to figure out that if you exchange the first few letters of Shiloh Pitt's name, you end up with Piloh Sh**. Yikes, what were they thinking.

6/21/2006 7:32 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

"Piloh Sh**"...

ROTFLMAO!

6/21/2006 8:45 PM  
Blogger Catch said...

I dont know where they get those baby names but I pity the kids when they start school and have to learn to spell them.

6/21/2006 8:48 PM  
Blogger The Phoenix said...

alice, I fear for Jack Black's child. Some people shouldn't be allowed to reproduce.

perplexio, talk about Oedipus Complex.

jennifer, most parents have that ability to "read" their own kids. Sometimes, it's not that easy. There could be real psychological/physical issues. That's where a good pediactric doctor helps.

jill & kyahgirl, Thanks!

karen, I think she should've named her other child Orange.

40spoet, Thanks for stopping by! Money is the main reason for all these whisperers coming out.

jim, REAL psychics can't predict lotto numbers. Duh!

6/21/2006 9:54 PM  
Blogger The Phoenix said...

phats, I haven't touched a racquet in almost two years, since I injured my achilles tendon. Usually, it doesn't take me too long to get back into it. The physical fitness part of it, though, will take a couple months. Maybe this Fall.

cube, Yeah, I saw a bunch of people already making fun of her name in that manner. Poor child.

catch, It isn't too hard to spell Suri, or even Shiloh or Apple. I think it's going to be the other kids in their class that will be the problem. They are going to be so messed up.

6/21/2006 9:56 PM  
Blogger angel, jr. said...

I can point you in the right direction, but I won't go there. It's too scary.
We can have dinner/lunch, shop at the mall together, catch a movie. But I'm too scared to go to Point Pleasant. Aren't there reprecussions for people who even try to look for it? I can't even say what it is you want to investigate cause I'll have nightmares. It was a very real monster to me and all the children I grew up with here.

6/21/2006 10:07 PM  
Blogger The Phoenix said...

That would be cool to meet up with you when I get into town!

The whole Mothman thing is such an incredible event. People don't realize that it wasn't just a simple case of some winged creature flying around.

We're talking about tons of sightings of UFOs prior to the sightings...people having real premonitions...bizarre dreams...freaky encounters with this creature with red eyes...and of course, the bridge collapsing on Christmas Eve, with dozens of cars falling into the ice cold Ohio River.

It's so well documented, and so many first hand accounts...

I feel so compelled to go. But maybe I should heed your warning...I've heard about people investigating the town suddenly getting strange brain tumors and rare cancers.

6/21/2006 10:12 PM  
Blogger Pixie said...

Too funny !!

6/22/2006 12:25 AM  
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6/22/2006 1:01 AM  
Blogger Keshi said...

LOL good one! So who's the baby whisperer - Jen Love Hewitt junior? :):)

Keshi.

6/22/2006 2:01 AM  
Blogger O Ceallaigh said...

Shiloh Pitt ... oh be afraid, be very afraid.

To a Parisian, "Napoleon", when spoken in the Corsican dialect which was the French Emperor's native tongue, sounds like la paille au nez. Snotnose. We all know what came of that.

6/22/2006 3:57 AM  
Blogger Curare_Z said...

LOL. You make me laugh Phoenix. What's with all these f'd up baby names? Whatever happened to normal names like...{insert normal name here, e.g., jennifer, david, john, mary}

I know people who have a DOG named Shiloh.

6/22/2006 6:30 AM  
Blogger Nan said...

You are hilarious! - and yet it's all so true.

PHOENIX ROCKS ! (not the stone rock thingy)

6/22/2006 7:07 AM  
Anonymous delmer said...

Oh man. This was good.

I had to turn away from Risky Business the other day ... Tom is just too far off the deep end for me to enjoy his movies. Even the classics.

6/22/2006 8:02 AM  
Blogger The Phoenix said...

pixie, Thanks!

keshi, Is her show even still on the air?

o'ceall, That is funny as hell. Once again, your encyclopediac brain informs AND entertains.

curare, Names really tell us where our culture is. The ordinary names do get a bit boring. I remember in grade school there being four boys named Jim. But it seems these days, parents are either following new trends or just going way out there.

nan, Thanks so much. By the way, how's YOUR little baby doing???

delmer, That's a shame. I'm a huge TOP GUN fan. I did the same as you, and changed the channel.

6/22/2006 8:10 AM  
Blogger Jenna Howard said...

When my nephew cried I solved all problems with his soother. I mean...that's what a pacifier's for right? Why would I need some freak to whisper when I could just plug him quiet? When he smelled I passed him over to his parents. Baby translator? Pffft. I don't need no stinkin' baby translator.

6/22/2006 10:19 AM  
Blogger Sherri said...

Ok, Anna Nicole Smith having a baby is just sooooooooooo not good. Yikes! I can't believe her first one lived to see adulthood.

6/22/2006 10:46 AM  
Blogger KC said...

Hilarious post and very funny comments!

6/22/2006 11:15 AM  
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6/22/2006 11:26 AM  
Blogger Fated said...

Anna Nicole Smith having a baby *shudders* the poor kid. Hopefully she understands the difference between babies and Chihuahuas.

I can't imagine what this baby whisperer would have to say about that. :P

6/22/2006 12:31 PM  
Blogger Jamie Dawn said...

I totally believe in this guy. He is legitimate.

I also believe that my pet turtle is Elvis reincarnated.

My high speed internet was fixed today - a day early. Yipppeee!!! My heart is happy!

6/22/2006 1:30 PM  
Blogger Nan said...

I think my baby is thinking - Fooood, Mooom, Daaad, Sleeep.. and fooood.

6/22/2006 6:31 PM  
Blogger Betty said...

Yes it would be nice to know what the baby needs and the the months before they can speak are sometimes scary. but no Psychic please.

6/22/2006 7:56 PM  
Blogger phred said...

Natalie Maines` baby would probably think '' Lord, Why ME''?

6/22/2006 8:14 PM  
Blogger Jon Cox said...

Hahahahahaha!!!
AWESOME, VERY WELL DONE!!! :o) Thank you for commenting! :o) I'm glad you like my Servo, I made him back in 8th grade. O I know, I REALLY do need a warehouse! I've been trying to sell my work for a long while. I wanted to do it through my blog but I don't know if that will be safe and I tried to set up an e~bay account but because of computer security I can't make an account. :o/ I really just need help starting out. I have my 3rd consultation for my art on July 12th so hopefully my consultant will have some ideas on selling. Do you have any ideas at all? Anyways, thank you again!! :o)

6/23/2006 12:27 AM  
Blogger Yawn said...

I guess it's too late to probe the psyches of Michael Jackson's babies. Que lástima.

6/23/2006 3:50 PM  
Blogger The Phoenix said...

I'm not willing to probe anyone close to Michael Jackson. He might get jealous.

6/23/2006 10:03 PM  
Blogger Carmel said...

That was really funny. I think psychics are full of it personally.

6/24/2006 5:39 AM  
Blogger ObilonKenobi said...

Breastfeeding with Anna Nicole Smith ain't no joke my friend.

6/25/2006 11:35 PM  

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