The Phoenix

Tuesday, April 18, 2006

Let Bahlaqeem Quiet Your Scream

Are you like the millions out there suffering from chronic pain?
Does chronic pain seem to run your life?
Have you sought out traditional medicine, only to have the pain remain?

Have we got a solution for you...


What is Balaqeem?

It's a revolutionary techniquing of curing anyone's pain - regardless of the type - all from the comfort of your own home. There is no doctor to visit and no waiting in some stupid lobby with crying children and old People magazines. You will be cured of your ailment without you even knowing it!

How does it work?

Dr. James Burda of Columbus, Ohio is a traditionally trained chiropractor. However, Dr. Burda has the amazing ability to actually travel back in time to the moment of your injury, and then command the bones and various ligaments to move and place themselves in the correct alignment. That's it!

How much does it cost?

Each treatment is $60. If you require more treatments within a 24 hour period, Dr. Burda will employ the Bahlaqeem technique without chrage. Remember - his goal is to cure you, and to get you moving again without pain.

Have others had success with the Bahlaqeem treatments?
YES! Here's some incredible testimony from very satisfied customers that can be found on Dr. Burda's website:

"Thank you! My ribs really do feel much better, although they still hurt a bit." BW

"I am a 10 year old Bassett Hound and I have been in a lot of pain in my neck area. I would even wake up during the night and yowl from the pain. My owner called Jim Burda and described the way I was moping around and walking with my head down. Over the phone he was able to work on me. He found the area in my vertebrae that was out of place and was able to manipulate it into place. I am feeling much better and I hold my head up high again. There hasn’t been a reason to yelp now for several weeks! Thank you." DaisyMae

And as we all know, Bassett Hounds never lie! Dr. Burda 100% guarantees you will be satisfied, or you will pay NOTHING.

You don't have to live in misery anymore. Call today! Call Dr. Jim Burda at 740-591-9857. Or simply go to

Remember, Bahlaqeem provides PAIN RELIEF ANYTIME ANYWHERE.

*Hurry and make your appointment right away, as the Ohio State Chiropractic Board has accused Dr. Burda of being mentally ill, specifically suffering from Delusional Disorder, Grandiose Type. The hearing is scheduled for May 1st, so ACT NOW before Dr. Burda loses his license, which is doubtful. You might be hearing of Ohio State Chiropractic Board memebers coming down with rickets and rheumatoid arthritis suddenly.


Blogger Sherri said...

LOL! If DaisyMae says he's ok, then, he must be OK! :D

Do you think Dr. Burda can put an end to Helen's stories?

4/18/2006 2:38 PM  
Blogger Curare_Z said...

If it walks like a quack, and talks like a must be...Dr. Burda!

I think it works over e-mail too. So don't waste your pennies with a long distance call -- just fire him a little note about your complaint and *POOF* he'll make it go away!

4/18/2006 2:59 PM  
Blogger Jim said...

Can he go back in time and cure other things, like tune-up a lawn mower?

If he's suffering from Delusional Disorder, Grandiose Type, you think he'd believe he was more than a chiropractor in Ohio, I mean at least a game show host or something.

4/18/2006 5:10 PM  
Blogger Mimi said...

He would make more money traveling back in time to take away labor pains.

4/18/2006 5:55 PM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

I have back pain! Do you think he can help me? Maybe he can go back in time and STOP THE AGING PROCESS.

4/18/2006 6:13 PM  
Anonymous Amber said...

Man-o-man, are people really that stupid????!!!!!

Please tell me no one actually fell for this line of...(insert your best word here).

It always surprises me how stupid people really can be.

4/18/2006 6:22 PM  
Blogger vani said...

yeah, people are really that stupid. my first job in retail my boss said to me- "People would buy shit in a box, as long as it's nicely wrapped. :)

4/18/2006 7:12 PM  
Blogger PDD said...

Wow! That bassett hound is really smart!

I think I need to switch doctors now. And this whole time I thought Jim Burda was my friend who cared deeply for me. He was just after what was in between my wallet.

4/18/2006 8:01 PM  
Blogger Jamie Dawn said...

I stopped by earlier and as I was checking out that guy's website, my CA friend called.
We both think that guy is nuts.
But, if he can fix voices, I might change my opinion of him.
I like the section on his site called Wonderments.
Oh, the many wonderments of the human body.
Oh, the many wonderments of scamming people's money...
What I really want to know is... Was he an Indigo Child? I think not!

4/18/2006 9:07 PM  
Anonymous delmer said...

I am so close to this guy and so pain free at the moment.

I could have used some time-travel healing during the Thanksgiving Back Tweak.

4/18/2006 9:30 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

{Ouch} from one who suffers occasional back pain problems.

4/18/2006 10:24 PM  
Blogger Keshi said...

LOL Phoenix! I guess that doc needs to know what it's to have a back pain shall we? hahaha!


4/18/2006 10:32 PM  
Anonymous Haas said...

Cool the dude can travel back in time and decides to use it to make 60 bucks a day... He must be a genius...

So can Dr Burda make pains appear instead of disappear also... long line of ppl for that too :P

4/19/2006 2:38 AM  
Blogger Shamus O'Drunkahan said...

$60 is a bargin for time travel!
I don't have a physical injury, but would he go back in time to 1987 and warn me away from going out with a girl named Linda? I'd pay a thousand bucks for that.

4/19/2006 7:16 AM  
Blogger Stacy The Peanut Queen said...

Sure, anyone can go back in time and cure pain. But can he go back in time and snatch that boston creme donut from my grubby little hands so that the damn calories from it don't end up on my thighs??

Yeah, suuure. Some doctor he is...;)

4/19/2006 8:05 AM  
Blogger The Phoenix said...

sherri, I think Dr. Bruda can give Helen lockjaw.

curare, healing via e-mail. It's a brave new world.

jim, You'd think he'd plan to rule the world, threatening to make a disc slip if you should oppose him.

mimi and WG, You both should call him and give him your ideas.

amber and vani, yes. People are really that stupid. DaiseyMae's probably the smartest of the lot.

PDD, he wanted your body.

JD, I love the word "wonderments." I'm going to use that today.

delmer, you should visit him since he's nearby.

karen, maybe Dr. Burda can help you.

keshi, he fixed his own toe.

haas, he'd be popular was sado-masochists.

shamus, Dr. Bruda is a demi-god. He can do anything. He can give Linda a nice limp too.

stacy, Maybe he can speed up your metabolism right after you ate it!

4/19/2006 8:17 AM  
Blogger LostInTX said...

Oh, I don't know about believing DaisyMae... those bassets can be a little dramatic at times. Call me crazy, but I'm a little skeptical. LOL.

4/19/2006 8:36 AM  
Blogger LostInTX said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4/19/2006 8:36 AM  
Blogger :P fuzzbox said...

Manipulating muscles with the power of the mind is a powerful thing. I hope this power does not fall into the wrong hands. Imagine opening an e-mail for cheap viagra or some wonder aprodisiac and wham. Scary very Scary.

*** Reprint of a previous comment on this subject ***

4/19/2006 9:55 AM  
Blogger ozymandiaz said...

I read about this nutbag. The only thing that is truly freaky is that THERE ARE PEOPLE GIVING HIM MONEY. It's like this guy down in Miami who got busted for practicing medicine without a license...from the back of his twenty year old Datsun B-210. Practicing, as in people were patronizing his operation. Here is a hint, if your practitioner is working from the back of an old vehicle (not even a van) or claims the ability to traverse time, perhaps...just perhaps he/she is a..., now pay attention people, perhaps he/she is a FRUAD.

God, I learned that truth the hard way...

4/19/2006 10:04 AM  
Blogger Etchen said...

Good to hear you're feeling better Daisy Mae!

4/19/2006 10:09 AM  
Blogger Etchen said...

hey, could he go back in time and find my car keys?

4/19/2006 10:10 AM  
Blogger DaBich said...

Oh Lord, now i've heard it all. Can he go back in time and prevent his own birth??

4/19/2006 10:23 AM  
Anonymous AndrewE said...

That is a funny post, I like the twisted sense of humour but I find it quite disturbing at the same time, given that people do actually practice this kind of medecine. It's amazing the lengths we will go to in order to stop pain.

4/19/2006 10:39 AM  
Anonymous AndrewE said...

That is a funny post, I like the twisted sense of humour but I find it quite disturbing at the same time, given that people do actually practice this kind of medecine. It's amazing the lengths we will go to in order to stop pain.

4/19/2006 10:39 AM  
Blogger phred said...

Quack ! Quack !

You know what PT Barnum said.
There`s one born every minute.

4/19/2006 10:48 AM  
Blogger Metal Mark said...

I wonder if he has a time machine that's really an old cardboard box that has the words "time machine" written with a red sharpie on the side?

4/19/2006 11:25 AM  
Blogger Will said...

I need to call this guy right away.

4/19/2006 2:09 PM  
Blogger Mojotek said...

Hot damn! I got a couple meniscus issues and a torn quadricep for this guy to take care of... Now where did I put my credit card?

4/19/2006 4:16 PM  
Blogger The Phoenix said...

You people crack me up.

4/19/2006 4:33 PM  
Blogger Jay said...

Wow, I just knew there'd be some hokey answer to all my prayers...and I just knew that somehow, you'd provide it.

4/19/2006 11:54 PM  
Blogger Phats said...

OK i saw Ohio State and knew not to trust this! haha.

by the way yes we play 5 matches, some play 7 but only if they have big teams, our state tournament is 5 pts.

You still play?

4/20/2006 12:25 AM  
Blogger David Amulet said...

Methinks I've found a new career.

-- david

4/20/2006 5:15 AM  
Anonymous Jennifer said...

Oh what a freak. But in the same vein he's a brilliant freak if people are willing to PAY him.

People are idiots.

4/20/2006 9:06 AM  
Blogger Jamie Dawn said...

Who needs Dr. Burda? Not me!
I laid in bed and meditated on the word "bahlaqeem" or was it "balaqeem"... well, doesn't matter.
As I meditated, I left my body and I travelled back in time and fixed by own voice, and I increased my bust size while I was at it.
Toodle-loo! I'm off to buy new bras now!

4/20/2006 9:45 AM  
Blogger Perplexio said...

Can he go back in time and play the lotto for me too? Or maybe buy me some Apple and Microsoft stock back in the eighties...

4/20/2006 10:57 AM  
Blogger The Phoenix said...

I was gonna say - he needs to go back and time and get me some lottery numbers.

Maybe he can help bring back "Arrested Development," "Firefly," and any other really good TV shows that have been cancelled in recent years.

4/20/2006 11:34 AM  
Blogger Big Pissy said...

Damn it! I was all set to call him 'cuz my back has been bothering me lately.

Then you had to go and point out that he's a quack!

4/20/2006 2:38 PM  
Anonymous Tasa said...

Hahaha, I didn't believe you until I read DaisyMae's testimony. I mean, why would a dog lie to you?!

4/20/2006 2:57 PM  
Blogger Karen said...

Phoenix~ The Blues do get the #1 pick!

4/20/2006 3:18 PM  
Blogger phlegmfatale said...

Not removed - with the drama of the past few weeks I haven't gotten around to updating hot link sausages. You're on my blog now!

4/20/2006 11:35 PM  
Blogger Perplexio said...

Phoenix: My wife got me seasons 1&2 of Arrested Development on DVD for Christmas. Even though I didn't even ask for them-- she didn't get me seasons 1 or 2 of The Greatest American Hero which I did ask for-- "believe it or not" she may know me better than I know myself.

I think I much prefer what I did get over what I didn't get.

4/21/2006 7:29 AM  
Blogger The Phoenix said...

Although I really would love to see "Greatest American Hero" too. That was one of my favorites back in the day. I'd love to have a t-shirt with that symbol on it.

4/21/2006 8:50 AM  
Blogger Perplexio said...

The one early 80s show I'd really love to see released on DVD (or even resurrected) is Voyagers. I used to watch that show religiously. It only lasted 2 seasons on NBC (about 24-30 episodes total). I've downloaded and watched some of the old episodes and they were rather cheesy but it was good TV for that era and if re-done they'd have to cut back on the cheese factor.

4/21/2006 11:24 AM  
Blogger The Phoenix said...

Voyagers! Yeah - with that one kid with the long curly hair. I remember that show. When I started watching Quantum Leap, I recoginized the basis - going back to that old Voyagers series on NBC, I think.

Yeah, the show was really cheesy, but fun. Quantum Leap, however, was a masterpiece. I miss that show a lot too.

4/21/2006 11:27 AM  
Blogger Josh said...

Ahh, Quantum Leap, now there's some good memories! You can still catch every so often on the Sci-Fi channel.

4/21/2006 11:48 AM  
Blogger BrianAlt said...

Uh, yeah, right, sure.

Someone out there pays for this garbage?

4/21/2006 1:43 PM  
Blogger Perplexio said...

Phoenix: Dude, the final episode of Quantum Leap was a tear-jerker-- when it said that Sam never leapt home. You're right, that show was a masterpiece.

But I do think they could bring back Voyagers! (with significantly less cheese, hopefully). I could see Stuart Townshend as Phineas Bogg, and maybe this time not make the little kid so dorky.

4/21/2006 2:56 PM  
Blogger Perplexio said...

This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

4/21/2006 2:57 PM  
Blogger The Phoenix said...

My favorite episodes were when Sam finally did leap home, but when his brother was getting ready to go off to Vietnam...and then when Sam got to leap inside Magic, the black guy that was in the same platoon as Sam's brother in Vietnam.

Awesome stuff.

4/21/2006 4:44 PM  
Blogger Jillian said...

LOL Phoenix - yeah I agree with DaisyMae - if he says it's okay then it must be legit! ;-)

4/24/2006 5:12 PM  
Blogger cube said...

You took the word "Quack" before I could say it. So I'll just say...

4/25/2006 7:51 AM  
Blogger ObilonKenobi said...

I visited the Dr's website. Not only does he have a brilliant practise, he has great travel advice. Read this testimonial:

“I just got back to town – I was in xxxxxxx on business – and, couldn’t wait to get on my computer to tell you that, last night, for the first time in weeks, I could actually walk without a limp. The knee has been doing so much better, today, I cannot tell you! What did you do??” BW

After reading that quote I booked my trip to xxxxxxx! I hear the weather is great there this time of year.

While I'm there I'm going to get you a "My fellow blogger went to xxxxxxx and all I got was this lousy T-Shirt."

Thank me later.

4/25/2006 3:42 PM  
Blogger The Phoenix said...

Watch out for hurricanes out in xxxxxx.

4/25/2006 8:40 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

What if Dr. Burda really can help people? What if his word Bahlaqeen is a vibrtional sound that doesn't translate into our way of speaking? What if the "delusional disorder of the grandoise type" is actually what so many on this blog are suffering from? An inability to see anything other than 3rd dimension will truly leave you far behind. Wake Up People!! There is so much more than we know! Hello ! Listen to yourselves! He is a Pioneer !

10/02/2006 1:50 PM  
Anonymous James Burda said...

thank you Anonymous, I appreciate your positive attitude. You are one out of dozens and dozens if not thousands or millions of people that can see beyond the confines of the box most people live in.
James Burda

7/18/2008 2:40 PM  
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11/13/2009 6:15 AM  

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