The Abudction of Bob, Part II
Bob: “The Doctor” takes out this long tool, with a glowin’ ball at the end of it. He tells me to relax.
Phoenix: Were you relaxed?
Bob: Hell no! Some little alien is playin’ with my shrunk John, and now he’s gonna stick that glowin’ ball thing up my ass.
Phoenix: How did you know he was going to do that?
Bob: Because them little aliens moved me onto my stomach. I didn’t think that little glowin’ ball was gonna massage my sore back or somethin’ like that. I wanted to jump up and run, but I couldn’t. That’s when I started to scream.
Phoenix: How did they react to your screaming?
Bob: They didn’t care. “The Doctor” shoves that ball thing up my ass, and man…it’s really hot. I could feel my ass hairs being burnt off. And this weird warmin’ sensation starts fillin’ up my crotch.
Phoenix: Dear God, maybe I don’t want to hear this.
Bob: So they’re done with that, flip me back over. And I’m alone in the room.
Phoenix: So you’re alone, on the table still…
Bob: Right. My ass hurts, my crotch is on fire. But I still can’t move. I closed my eyes, tryin’ to move my legs. It was no use. When I opened my eyes, this hot blond chick is standin’ over me.
Phoenix: A hot chick?
Bob: She was damn hot, like Pamela Anderson. She’s upside down to me, but I know she was good lookin.’ At that instant, I could finally move my body.
Phoenix: So you jumped up and ran?
Bob: No way. This lady was nekkid! She didn’t talk neither, but I could hear her in my head tellin’ me I was cute and that she wanted me. The burnin’ in my crotch was still there, but I wasn’t shriveled no more. In fact, I was ready to go.
Phoenix: Ready to go? As in Viagra ready to go?
Bob: Hell yes. So she gets on the table, and I…
Phoenix: Bob, you really don’t have to tell me everything here.
Bob: Oh…no problem. I just did what any hot-blooded American man would do. And she seemed really happy afterwards.
Phoenix: That’s good to hear.
Bob: No, it wasn’t good at all.
Phoenix: What do you mean?
Bob: Suddenly, she’s not Pamela Anderson anymore. She’s an alien. After I realized I had just had sex with a damn alien, I almost threw up. In fact I did a little, but swallowed it. I started to back away.
Phoenix: What did the alien do?
Bob: She pointed to her belly. I knew right away what she meant.
Phoenix: She? How do you know she’s a she?
Bob: Because she was tellin’ me that she was knocked up. Only fe-males have babies.
Phoenix: Maybe aliens are both male and female. Maybe men have babies on their world. Many UFO-ologists believe aliens are asexual…maybe hermaphrodites.
Bob: A what-o-dite? You think aliens are Jewish?
Phoenix: You know, just forget I mentioned anything about it. It’s ok. (Pause) Then what happened?
Bob: I started to run, but I lost control of my body and passed out. Next thing I know I’m back in my truck, clothes on and everything.
Phoenix: I’m glad you’re safe now.
Bob: (Wipes his brow) Man, I thought the alien was Pamela Anderson. I feel sick just thinking about it. And that thing they shoved up my ass, what was that thing? The whole thing is just plain embarassin’ and shameful.
Phoenix: It’s ok. How could you have known? You were tricked. It’s not your fault.
Bob: I’m confused. Thing is, it was the best sex in my life!
Phoenix: The anal probe or the alien-Pamela Anderson encounter? (Bob pauses to think). You know Bob, on second thought, please don’t answer that.
Bob: I need a drink. I’m not feelin’ so hot.
Phoenix: I do understand why you want to keep your identity a secret, though. The world will appreciate what you’ve gone through when they learn about your experience. I’m honored to tell your story, and I promise to protect your privacy.
Bob: Yeah, yeah, sure. I’m feelin’ faint, man. (Gets up and starts opening kitchen drawers). I know I left the Wild Turkey next to the shotgun shells here.
Phoenix: I’m good here, I think I got all that I need. It’s a fascinating story and the people deserve the truth, you know. Thanks Bob, the truth-seekers out there thank you too.