The Phoenix's Christmas Gift Picks
I'm sure it's every woman's dream to be able to pee standing up. The P-mate allows you ladies to do just that! This is not a really new invention, as Europeans have been using a version of this for years. It's just coming to America this year, and just think...now females can pee their name into the snow this holiday season too.
This is no ordinary keychain. After a nuclear or dirty bomb explodes, you want to make sure you're safe from harmful radiation, right? This keychain can alert you to the radiation level in your environment by utilizing a series of chirps to tell you just how dangerous it is. Just make sure not to bring the Nuke Alert with you to Christmas dinner, as the high concentration of methane might set this thing off.
It's exactly what it sounds like - a cell phone for your dog. You feel guilty spending so much time at work, away from your best friend? You can call your dog's cell phone number, and have an actualy conversation with your doggie. Isn't that great? You can also spy on Fido. If he's destroying your furniture, you can listen firsthand to the sound of ripping upholstry.
Are you like me and have this uncanny ability to strike the snooze button and fall right back into the heavenly abiss called deep sleep...only to find that you've been rapid firing on the snooze 12 times and you're now an hour late for work? Clocky is for you. When clocky's alarm loudly beeps you awake, it suddenly takes off - doing a 'Dukes of Hazzard' leap off your nightstand, and then careens across the room on off-road wheels. You're forced to get your lazy ass out of bed to turn this demon-on-wheels off. I think Clockly looks like a giant loaf of bread with wheels.
Faithful readers of 'The Phoenix' know how interested I am in psychology. Now you too can take psycho-analysis wherever you go. Imagine what a wonderful holiday you could have - big dinner, exchange of presents, and then do Rorchach Ink Blot Personality Tests with the family! What a great way to uncover why Daddy ignores you and why Mommy hates how pretty you are. Move over Freud!
Don't you wish you had telepathy? Don't you wish you were psychic? For those that are not born with the gift of psychic power, now you can have it. Taking this pill will "open the door to your 6th sense." Scientists have found that in animals that have uncanny sensory abilities (i.e. dolphins, homing pigeons), they had a high concentration of micro-bits of magnetite in their bodies. By taking Magneurol6-S, you will increase the levels of magnetite crystals in your body, and thereby make you more senstive to the extraordinary powers of the Earth's electromagnetic forces.
The future of delicate surgery is nanotechnology and robotics. Robots controlled by surgeons are beginning to perform procedures, and it seems the future of medicine is robotics. Here's another quantum leap in robotic surgery...the SmartKlamp! Why have a regular doctor or trained rabbi do your circumcision when the SmartKlamp can easily do it for you - with amazing precision and speed. Whether it's a religious purpose or some of you guys out there are tired of your "hood," the SmartKlamp is for you. There is a big market for this product, and I'm sure boys will have no problem sticking their penis inside a plastic tube filled with knives.
Merry Christmas! To those serving our country overseas and their families, may you find yourselves in the arms of your loved ones very very soon.
Best wishes, from The