The Phoenix

Wednesday, November 02, 2005

Chip's Weapons Shack

Howdy, folks. Welcome to Chip's Weapons Shack...the home of the weapons of tomorrow...you can buy today!

Here at Chip's Weapons Shack, we guarantee to bring you the bleeding edge technology you deserve, the most modern weapons - and all for a bargin price. Whether you're a hunter or are lookin' to scare the bejesus out of your annoying neighbor, we have the weapon for you.

Take a lookie here at our newest, most sought after products:

The PHaSR...Personnel Halting and Stimulation Response rifle. My cousin Billy Bob was able to smuggle a couple prototypes out of the Human Effectiveness Directorate at Brooks City Base, Texas. These beauties just debuted last week. He was gonna do a demo here tomorrow afternoon, but Billy Bob is layin' low right now in an undisclosed location in Tijuana. (There he is pictured at right, crossin' the border and showin' off his Grav-Magna Rifle).

The PHaSR is a piece of modern ass-whipping weaponry. It uses a two-wavelength laser system. Basically, the rifle emits a laser that "impairs aggressors by illuminating or "dazzling" individuals, removing their ability to see the laser source." For our non-technical customers out there, go to a grocery store with those laser scannin' machines at the checkout. Bend over, stick your face into the beam of the laser, and open your eyes really wide. It'll sting, and you might just cause permanent damage to your retinas...but it's fun!

Oh man, the PHaSR would be a great addition to your futuristic weapons arsenal. Also, I highly recommend you also check out our other guns, such as our photon blaster, laser cannon with matching tripod, and sonic wave cannon.

For example, my neighbor, Billy Joe, bought his kid the new anti-matter cannon for his birthday. You can bet Billy Joe Jr. ain't gettin' bullied anymore at school.


Here's my niece and her brand new tachion blaster rifle we got for her makin' parole. Ain't she cute? She's able to both catch and fry the fish, all with the pull of a trigger.

We also got some great imports from those crazy Chinese. You know how those Chinese love to create all those hybrid inventions, like fax machine foot massager dish washers. Check out the new Chinese-Swiss Army laser gun. You can blast rabbits into piles of ash, and then open a can of pork-n-beans. Those crazy Chinese!
Finally, we are expectin' our first shipments of lightsabers next week. That's right, lightsabers! Now YOU can pretend to be a Jedi and slice through your enemies' limbs like butter with your own authentic lightsaber. Imagine the look on some mugger's face when you whip out a lightsaber and cut off his "nuts and bolts" with ease.

So come 'on down to Chip's Weapons Shack, and if you pay with cash, we'll throw in a pack of plasma grenades!

Imagine the family fun you could have with the weapons of tomorrow...today!

19 Comments:

Blogger David Amulet said...

Nice selection. Can the PHaSR be set to kill OR stun?

-- d.a.

11/03/2005 5:11 AM  
Blogger DLAK said...

LOLOLOL, your best yet Phoenix, I would be first in line for all of the above. Is everyone you know named Billy? lol

11/03/2005 5:48 AM  
Blogger whitesgem said...

Yes, these are just what I need to control the stupid teens at the end of my road! Theyll make a nice display over the mantle, too!
Now, what was Billy Bobs web address? He DOES take Paypal, doesnt he?

11/03/2005 7:26 AM  
Blogger whitesgem said...

Funny, nothing comes up on Google- did I spell it wrong?

11/03/2005 7:27 AM  
Blogger BrianAlt said...

I'll take a lightsabre! Hmm, my son would like one too, I'm sure. Got purple in yet? No? Ok, we'll take a red and a blue.

You can keep the rest.

11/03/2005 7:41 AM  
Blogger KC said...

auAnd I thought I had really nice top-of-the-line lightsabers, but man they ain't nuthin' compared to what you talk about here. I'm next in line for light-sabers!

11/03/2005 9:12 AM  
Blogger :P fuzzbox said...

Sign me up for the grav-magna rifle. It looks like it's got that reach out and touch the shit of someone firepower.

11/03/2005 12:46 PM  
Blogger Andrew said...

Hey, those guys in the first and last photos are wearing Australian camouflage ... are these weapons for sale here already? Like, American movies usually take 6 months to get here!

11/03/2005 3:18 PM  
Blogger Meagan said...

Does this mean your done with the scary haunted stories for now, Phoenix?! And I can safely read your blog again without getting freaked out? hee hee.

love meagan

11/03/2005 4:15 PM  
Blogger Mojotek said...

I want the first one Billy Bob is holding... quite the phallic symbol.

11/03/2005 4:15 PM  
Anonymous the weirdgirl said...

This is crazy! Where do you find this stuff.

Oh yeah, and I want a light saber too.

11/03/2005 4:53 PM  
Blogger Keshi said...

I need one in mah pocket...lol!

Keshi.

11/03/2005 5:37 PM  
Blogger Anhoni Patel said...

Um...all I know is that your "cousin" Billy Bob must have a really small weener.

11/03/2005 8:24 PM  
Blogger Grafs said...

I WANNIT!!

11/03/2005 8:26 PM  
Blogger Nan said...

I know it's have been forever since my last update - and I will get myself together and update more often ! The very thing that you guys are asking where I have been is great support to me when I feel like... sorry - puking my testines out..

I hope you are doing great Phønix !

11/04/2005 7:37 AM  
Blogger ObilonKenobi said...

That PHaSR is the coolest. I can't wait until the day we're fighting wars with lasers and light sabres.

11/04/2005 9:49 AM  
Blogger R. U. Serious said...

Basically, if I understand it right, the idea is to have something shiney distract your attacker.

11/04/2005 11:42 AM  
Blogger Jenn said...

I'll take two, please... Of each, that is.

11/04/2005 1:25 PM  
Blogger Kid Jacque said...

Be one with the force.....

11/04/2005 2:47 PM  

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Established 2005...

Welcome to the blog that aims to examine the lighter side of science. From the paranormal to wacky inventions, to strange mysteries and goofy experiments, I cover it all. Thanks for stoping by blazingtalons.com...where science is always stranger than fiction







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