The Mystery of Lake Chesterfield
All was well in this great neighborhood of luxury SUVs and uber soccer moms, until one day in the year 2004, the beautiful 23 acre lake in the center of the subdivision began to disappear.
In just three days, the lake was completely gone!
The citizens turned to their wise leader, Bruce Colella. The chair of the homeowner's association addressed his people with this decree: "With the name of the subdivision being Lake Chesterfield, we really needed the lake."
After all, it was not Pond Chesterfield...nor Dried Up Smelly Mud Pit Chesterfield either.
So the Eminent Chair Colella and his association went to all of the 700 homes of his beloved subdivision and collected about $1,000.00 from each homeowner. They spent $650,000 to repair the lake. Master craftsmen and engineers came and plugged the sinkhole - and took extra measures to assure the good people of Lake Chesterfield that their new lake would be even more glorious than before!
As the new water was poured into the renewed lake, the people rejoiced. They then replenished the lake with new wonderful fish...and indeed the new lake WAS greater than the original. And the people of Lake Chesterfield lived happily ever after!
Until...several of the citizens noticed something peculiar with their lake sometime in late August of 2005. "What could it be?" they asked. The people once again turned to their wise and powerful leader, Bruce Colella.
He replied in a manner that paid homage to the Great Yogi Berra: "De ja vu all over again" (Associated Press, 9.06.05).
Alas, the water was dropping at a rate of one foot per day. What could be causing the disappearance of Lake Chesterfield? This is indeed, what they call an Unsolved Mystery. Which is basically just a mystery that's naturally unsolved. If it was solved, it wouldn't be a mystery...right? But since it's unsolved, it is a mystery.
Anyway...here are my theories:
It's aliens. They are invading our minds, so why not invade our wealthy St. Louis West Country suburbs? It's a great way to break the human spirit...I know it's driving a bunch of Lake Chesterfielders absolutely NUTS. I used to live in Wildwood, so I speak from experience. If one blade of grass was missed on their carefully manicured lawns, they go crazy. Aliens break them psychologically and their minds are ripe for the picking. Maybe they should read my previous post on the Thought Screen Helmet.
It's Arizonians. I won't blame Canada for this one - they have plenty of water. Arizonians have the most to gain from stealing our Missouri water. From the constant feuding with California over the Colorado River, it makes perfect sense that they would reach the lake via underground caverns, suck the water out, and funnel it back to their desert state.
It's President Bush. He wants a diversion from all the heat he's getting from Hurricane Katrina. Maybe Farrakhan is right - Bush deliberately sabotaged the levy. Yup, I knew it. And now Bush is targeting Lake Chesterfield. Why drain a little insignificant lake? Beggars can't be choosers. Too bad the Russians didn't sell us their Weather Control Machine. Bush could whip up Hurricane Stan in a jiffy!